Well, I tried and tried to write, but not a single piece felt right. Several attempts were left to drift in my drafts, so I give you this instead. I give you a piece of my mind. English has no “correct grammar” in my mind. If you see me in person, hopefully you’ll understand why I don’t talk much, why I don’t like you, why I don’t care to meet you, why you see me as excellent and well mannered wherever I go…………
Well, here I am again.
Eat, work, drive, shower, drive, music, shower, work, drive, eat, breath, live, sigh, miss, miss, miss, work, sigh eat shower sleep work drive sleep eat shower wakeupsleep driveworkeatsihjjehigakagbr.
Where is she?
Wow. I’ve been very fearful lately.
I fear raw food. What if I get ill and die?
I fear losing the material I own in this world. How will I provide?
I fear my past. Will she erase me because of it?
I fear working underneath cars. What if it falls on me and I die?
I fear driving. What if I’m involved in a terrible accident?
I fear what I eat. Is it safe?
I fear being weak. How will I protect her?
I fear failing. What if I lose her forever?
I even fear myself. Am I what she deserves?
It’s surprising how many fears loving someone can bring into fruition.
I hope you understand the feeling.
What’s wrong with me?
I’ve never feared before.
Now all I feel is fear.
I can cure myself.
I can stop caring again.
But I won’t. I’ll never give up on her desires.
My soul is attached to this body. This is the body she owns. If my body malfunctions or dies, I will be gone.
I fear death.
I can’t die.
I won’t cease to exist.
Wow. Caring for someone is a huge change of scenes for me.
I’ve never cared for a single soul before her.
I want to vomit.
I lost my wife and she’s not even dead.
Here I am again.
I can see it.
I can see the breaking point.
I haven’t been this close since surgery.
That was middle school.
I never thought I’d be here again.
I worked hard to become fearless, unfazed, immovable, confident, fun, strong, and outgoing after surgery.
I never wanted to be as weak as those days ever again. As spoiled as I was those days. As useless as I was. Well. You know how it goes. Maybe…
Now I’m back to step one.
Weak, fragile, afraid.
What is wrong with me?
What am I doing?
I’m wasting my young years if they’re not spent with her.
I won’t give up.
I don’t want to, but my soul is too heavy to keep carrying it.
My body has no strength for this burden.
No one helps.
I have no one because I’m obsessed with her. I refuse to have anyone else in my life if she can’t be in it.
That’d be so unfair.
Work sleep eat …..
Where is she?
I’m here again.
I failed her.
I’m a failure.
I’m constantly putting myself down because I can not be happy if she’s not.
That would be very unfair as well.
Eat sleep drive sit stand walk sit.
She became my armor.
Her love kept me safe in life.
I realized that what I had after surgery was not strength.
It was simply motivation with a heavy dose of not-caring.
I stopped caring after I realized how ugly I was before, during and after surgery.
My friends loved me before surgery.
My friends hated me after surgery.
I didn’t care.
This world loved me.
This world only likes to turn the ugly into forced beauty.
This world only likes to shame genuine beauty until everyone sees it as ugly.
“A woman who has several men thirsting over her is due to the fact that she entertains them. She knows how many men desire her, for her desire is to be desired. Do not entertain her, for she will waste your time.
A woman who knows-not how many men have desired her is due to the fact that her desire is not to entertain men. She-too desires to be desired one day. If she desires you, don’t waste her time. Marry her or leave her alone so she can reach bliss one day.” – anonymous
She wasn’t like the rest.
She could peep deeper than the limit of your depth.
I wasn’t that cute at first.
She saw the ugly but knew it wasn’t me.
Only a part of me.
Not by choice.
I was facing life or death and I chose to live and strive,
Though I paid the price with my soul.
Life didn’t take my soul.
Instead it had sealed it within a protective armor that saved me from death.
I no longer feared it.
The armor was a scar that life had left upon my body.
She healed that scar.
The armor slowly vanished.
I was dead inside of that armor.
Dead but untouchable.
She was the first to touch what no one else had.
No one could hurt me more than how life had inside of that armor.
When inside, I only grew stronger,
But with that strength came a price.
Power is carelessness until you appreciate it
I didn’t appreciate my power. I only earned it.
I acquired more every time a soul or life itself attempted to afflict me.
The armor kept me alive and striving, but it didn’t make me happy.
It made me not care. It made all emotions except for confidence leave.
She did not try to hurt me.
Even then, she knew that pain would only cause my armor to be more difficult to break.
Instead, she took on the challenge to heal me,
To break the ugly monster that life had turned me into.
Heal me is exactly what she did.
Slowly, but surely.
I lost my strength but I was blessed with a more powerful one.
She got what she wanted.
She loved seeing me without the ugly being there to taint me.
I would look in the mirror throughout the years to take a glimpse of myself.
One day I realized she had healed every section of the scar.
I was fully exposed.
I hadn’t seen myself in years.
I wasn’t sure who I was.
All I knew was that she made me happy.
And making her happy made me even happier.
I love being happy.
I know I never felt it before her.
Happiness is the most addictive drug.
Everyone wants it.
I am no different.
She’s my happiness.
Previously, not caring was my strength.
I had no intention of caring for myself or my life.
She came into my life and taught me different.
She taught me well and showed me how powerful she is.
Where is she?
I can see it.
I can see it so clearly.
There it is.
The breaking point.
It’s so close.
I want to, but I mustn’t cross the line.
It feels shameful to be this weak and afraid.
I care so much about her.
She cares just as much about me.
I must care for myself the way she does.
She does it right.
I can’t cross it.
I want to.
I want to trump this pain.
I want to be fearless again.
Every false want leads to a truth that I can’t, and won’t try to escape: she’s my only want.
“It sounds like you have everything you want. Why are you so sad all the time then?”
“Oh. I never said I wanted what I have. I have it, yes, but it’s because I need it. She’s my only want. When you meet the single person you want to be with forever but can’t have them, you’ll understand.”
Work sleep. Think write. Sleep sigh eat tjgosbfneidn…
I’m so tired….
“There it is Sway,
You’ll be invincible again.
No one will hurt you ever again.
I’ll make sure of it.
Let me take over.
Well both rule this world again.
Let me make you a king again.
Cross the breaking point and strive again!
I’ll be the best You there can be.
The strongest one.
I’ll end the pain.”
I stare blankly and roll my eyes at whatever this voice in my head is.
It doesn’t know me.
It has never felt what I have.
“Why would I want any of that?
I just want her, so stop wasting my energy.
You’re not her are you?
So be gone.”
Sigh. Stare blankly. Ignore. Pain. Food. Air. Water. Energy. Work. Clean. Drive. Eat. Sleep. Sigh.
What is wrong with me?
Work, sleep, dream…
“Hey. I’ve missed you. I almost died but I came back to life for you. Well, you brought me back and I chose to do so just for you. Your presence is all I want. Look. They’re after me but you’re here so I know it’ll be okay.
Look. I’m broken but it’ll be okay because you’re here.
Look. *I open my chest* it’s falling apart but it’s okay because you’re here.”
*She stares at me and blinks.*
*I close my eyes so she won’t notice the pain ready to spill from my eyes*
“I know I failed. I’m nothing compared to you.”
*She frowns a bit but boops my heart anyway*
*I look down. She healed my heart with one touch. I look at her. She holds me*
“I don’t deserve you. You’re a goddess. You deserve a god. Why me?”
*She says nothing. She leaves*
Wake up, eat, sleep shower drive sigh.
Look up at the sky.
She saw how ugly I was.
She knew my errors.
She knew I was broken.
She knew I had so much pain in me that I’d be a pain in general.
She would laugh it off and care for me regardless.
She understood more than what I did about myself.
It was uncomforting to be in the presence of someone so heavenly.
I fell in love but I never came to love myself.
Hence my words: “I agree with you. I don’t deserve her.”
She eased my mind by enlightening me with the truth.
She told me that her presence was my home. That there was no need to feel any less than her. With-her is where I belonged.
The day I thought I had figured out what I was, I started to fear her.
Sleep. Dream. Shower. Think. Eat.
I was a pleaser.
Whatever she desired, I would please.
I knew I was her creation, so I owed it to her.
She had been the one who released my soul from the hardened armor that I couldn’t escape from.
She showed me how to live again.
What it meant to be happy.
What it meant to enjoy life.
Good and bad.
Beginning and end.
I couldn’t help it.
Making her happy caused my soul to reach bliss.
I grew up that way.
She didn’t understand.
I hadn’t taken that many steps yet.
I was just taking my first steps after being locked away for so long.
All I knew was appreciation.
I only knew how to appreciate with actions.
So far, I only knew making her happy made me happy.
She wanted and I gave.
I had no control.
I kept handing her more control and power over me.
I matured and it soon felt like she had become a “tyrant.” -Kali Uchis
I didn’t and still don’t know anything better than making her happy.
But I wanted to be happy as well.
I wanted to cure my doubt.
“She can’t be a tyrant if she cares about me.”
I wanted to feel desire and pleasure the way she did.
I started exploring but my curiosity didn’t settle well with her.
Like me, I suppose she grew accustomed to one role.
I was used to pleasing her.
She was used to being pleased.
When it came time to switch roles, I lost.
I hate fights.
So it was settled.
I went back to fulfilling my role.
Since the beginning of time, I always gave her exactly what she wanted without her asking.
I was well disciplined and well behaved.
“Everybody wants to know how it felt to hear you scream. They know you walk you’re a god. They can’t believe I made you weak.” -Halsey.
Why did she get to have everything she wanted and I didn’t?
Exploring didn’t help any, little did I know all I’d want would be her.
For any bad behavior of mine, she would make sure I felt what she felt tenfold.
I didn’t know this trait of hers until it surfaced.
To punish my worst behavior, she pleased herself when I wouldn’t.
My only purpose soon came to an end.
She’d constantly prove to me that I wasn’t needed.
I realized what I was.
It broke me.
She knew exactly what she had become,
My want and need.
My source of life.
I had been punished something proper by life again.
Every powerful being comes to an end.
And life took its sweet time to prove it to me.
The more I cared about her behavior, the more it showed through my behavior.
She never forgave me for my mistakes.
She never stopped the punishments.
I would break down in front of her.
A newfound pleasure for her.
She managed to make me her pleasure even when I refused.
I gave up.
For every day that I would forgive her and continue to please her, she’d throw dirt on me.
Soon I was six feet deep in her fields.
All I had was myself and her lying atop me to make sure I didn’t escape.
That was when I noticed my armor arising.
I had forgotten how ugly it was.
I wondered if she noticed what was happening.
I didn’t want her to.
She noticed but didn’t know what was happenening.
She had forgotten what I was when she found me.
All she remembered was what she had brought to life.
She got used to the beauty of a well behaved subject.
When the ugly armor made itself more eminent, she was repelled.
She didn’t like me that much anymore and I was starting to care less and less.
“He’s not that cute, but….”
Back to step one.
Rain. Rain. Rain. Brain. Lame.
Watching the rain fall on my sunroof is really calming.
Wow. Even the earth cries.
I love it.
I love her.
Forever and always.
I can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed every moment with her because I have.
I love every individual second that she has been in my life.
I thank her every day for choosing me to spend time with.
It’s not a right that I had. It was a privilege that she chose to bless me with.
Close. Think. Bliss.
Sip the strawberry water, look at the time, 20% battery, good music, good day good night bad night silent night “nights” by Frank Ocean playing. Still an hour behind.
It’s calm outside of my car.
I close my eyes and she’s enjoying this lovely morning with me.
She’s the “best part”~ H.E.R
I have an owner.
I love it.
I love her.
She is immaculate in my eyes.
I’m glad she owns me.
“I’d rather argue with you than to be with someone else.” – Kanye West
This battle within myself is breaking me.
Today is the day I shattered without crossing the breaking point.
I’m the same but broken.
I know-not what is happening but I still feel normal.
What I do know is my religion.
Her will is my religion.
I know what her will is for me.
And I will continue to please her.
Legend has it that one day she’ll appear and boop me again.
I have faith in her.
Meanwhile, I will never let myself lose the heavenly beauty she bestowed upon me.
I will never wear that ugly armor again.
I want her to like me again.
I want her approval.
In the end, I suppose all of my fears come from the fear of making her sad.
She’s the only cause of fear in me and that’s not a bad thing. Caring is good. Especially if she’s the only one that matters.
Drive. Sleep. Dream….
I’ve explained my dreams.
Days are better when she visits.
Well. The storm ceased. I’m enjoying the rain “after the storm.”~ Kali Uchis