Innards

So many people that I love, know who Sway is. The point of this site was to express all of my inner feelings without anyone knowing who I am. I ache to express my inner feelings so liberally. Yet I chastise myself because I know I’ll scare them away. My past is full of mystical darkness. I was told something like; “I stared at your picture for a long time and it was scary. It looks like you’ve been through so much.” That’s true. I need to let that out. Yet I can’t because I’m burdened by the thought; “what will they think of me.” I care for these people, so yes, I do care what they think of me. Whether it’s good or bad. I’m a dark twisted soul whose goal is eternal destruction. How can I be a good person if I don’t even love myself. I’m working on it. 

Every time I’m happy, every time I have someone good in my life, every time something rewarding takes place, I am laced with fear of losing it because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Maybe I DON’T deserve it, hence I always punish myself. 

I look at all the “tattoos” I’ve given myself. And I think to myself “hey, that’s pretty cool. They’re like battle scars.” You know, like when there’s an action figure and then they come out with the “battle scarred” edition. That’s how I feel. Like I’m the battle scarred edition of myself. 

But… I ask myself, “what battle have I been in?” That’s when the cold and sulky truth hits me. I’ve been battling myself all along.

“Bloom” by The Paper Kites will forever be the immaculate soundtrack to my love life. 

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