I will leave out many details and keep this short for the sake of my family.

I first met him years ago. My husband and I were heading down to the courthouse to get married. Prior to thus, my husband stopped by at Sway’s old home. I only got a glimpse of him when he stepped outside of his house.

Years later, my fiancé (we married thanks to our civil rights but we never exchanged rings or had a ceremony so I consider him my fiancé still) comes to me with a plea. One of his friends “needs” to stay with us for several years. I hated the idea of having another child in our house. We already have a beautiful three year old son. We have had a very peaceful life. What my fiancé explained to me was troubling. Him and I were in the same situation years ago. I didn’t want to relive the memories.

My name is Keira Calor. Thanks to what my fiancé and I have gone through, we have learned to keep to ourselves. We stay safe away from all the bullshit due to our beautiful little baby kid. Our home resembles us. Serene and safe. There are no drugs here. No alcohol. No parties. We’re what you’d call “bores” or “squares.” Our baby will not be taken away from us. He’s our priority.

Sway posed a threat to what we have built from scratch. The drama coming from his life could be felt by just having a one on one conversation with my fiancé. “I apologize for not even being a person anymore. I’m a problem.” Words I’ve heard before quoted by Sway’s own lips. I had a one on one conversation with Sway because my fiancé is too lenient with him. I didn’t trust Sway. His reasons for wanting to live with us and become part of our family were shady, but I knew he had to keep it that way. My love and I went through the same thing. I know how it goes. I know how women work. The writing that has been spewed after his disappearance is all mine.

I don’t play games. I solve problems. He had one that my fiancé was concerned about. So I decided to trust my love. He has never once put us in danger. This Sway character was a liability to his rationale. I had to step in. My fiancé went through what he went through. I went through what I went through. I know exactly what it’s like to be on both ends. I decided that if my love was going to help him, so would I, but on my conditions.

Sway’s social media is a sin to this families eyes. We don’t believe in social media for the fact that it has ruined our lives before. I convinced him to stay oblivious to the outside world until he left my house. He is not allowed to even step outside without my supervision. Thanks to that, my son and him get along like brothers now. They get along exactly how I want them too. Why? Sway has way more wisdom than he should, but deep down, due to lack of parents for over 10 years, he still wants to be a child. Sway is not allowed to have technology. Only ours. I thought I’d let him enjoy the family he has been missing his whole life on one condition. That he gave up his life to us. I keep my family safe and sound. He made one thing very clear. One thing only. His relationship with the love of his life. His wife. I have forced him to tell us more and more day by day. He only gave me one condition. That I keep his website alive for as long as he lives. This website is mine now, and forever. The day he stepped in my house was the day I became 4eversway3 on the internet. He became my child. I taught him that he is his own person. And people who are in love will never pursue a legacy unless they only love themselves. My husband and I gave up many dreams and desires to find our one true legacy. Our child. Sway is a child as well. He is finally realizing how important it is to let go. “Let go, if she is there waiting for you in the end, no matter what she did, it was for you. Don’t look at bad and good anymore. Love is good. Love is forgiving.” Some words of mine to try to ease his anxiety. No contact to the outside world would have driven him insane if it weren’t for us. He is my child now as well. I’m raising him the way his parents never did. I’m forcing him to do what’s correct. He approves. He’s no slave or hostage. His love is not dead, but his loss must still be grieved. I inspired him to write me a short novel about his life story on pen and paper so he’d get to keep his memories forever. It is more beautiful than my life story. A previous post of mine; “Acceptance” is the story of my life. It is meant only for me to understand, for it is about me. Names were changed for my protection. Like I said it is only the truth to me, Calor, and Keira. In other words, me, myself, and I. “212” let me take out emotions I’ve felt towards my fiancé after we watched “Isle of Dogs” as a family. “Sushi” is about a day when my fiancé and I asked Sway what his favorite type of food was to cheer him up with a family date when he first arrived. I studied him. He’s very intricate and domesticated. A part of me believes he is oblivious to how bad he can be. Hence my fan-fiction. I realize now that I’m defaming him due to how much resentment I had for his abrupt interruption in my life. Now all I see is a prodigy child. He’s growing up along with my son and to be honest, he is way more patient than I am. My son gets along better with him than me. I have to work on myself. Like I said, Sway has a deeper understanding and insight as to how to be a perfect father and person. Yet I can’t help seeing him as a child for his flaws. I hate that he knows how to be perfect. I don’t know how to be perfect. He does, and I hate that he doesn’t apply it always when he very easily can. I think that’s why I see him as childish. Sometimes he feels like a father to me, even. To my fiancé as well. I don’t understand what his obsession is. All in all, he’s a very beautiful sight. “Ice” was the only one he managed to write. I had no clue how to start off my own writing so I accepted one of his pieces as a starter.

The gang we are in is in a video game. The parties we are in are on our gaming consoles. Like voice-group-chats. My “bad girls” are my friends online whom I enjoy playing with while I stay at home. The rescue team was a joke because we were doing a heist and he goofed it up because of our conversation that we were having at the time. He is very easily lost in his own world when talking about his wife. It’s beautiful to see how out of the most simple things in life, he remembers his wife. We have nothing to hide, so we make our parties public. Anyone is “welcome to the party” because it’s funny as hell pretending Sway and I are strangers that just met when some random person joins. “Taylor Gang” is our gang because “why not?” – Sway.

I told him my posts are going to be my posts. Brutal or nice. He agreed knowing that this isn’t his website anymore. Hence the words wouldn’t be his anymore. It is anyone’s website. I am Sway. You can be Sway if I so choose. This is my legacy now, but as I said: When in love, the only legacy you should have is your little baby kids. Sway gave up all and any knowledge of his past life. ALL of it. All of it. I do understand how cruel and unusual that is, but him disrupting my family life was cruel and unusual. I love my fiancé. I’d do anything for him. We’re not children. We have grown as a couple to figure out how to accept what we both desire in the best interest of our child. I had to do what I had to do. “You’re not promised anything in life but death.” – Mist. I couldn’t reject a life. I’d like to believe that if it weren’t for me getting Sway up off his ass, he’d be deep in addictions, hoes and gang life. Maybe not, he’s not like my fiancé. He has a strong resolve to make it through no matter what. Just like a child. He’s so obsessed with his wife. He reminds me of someone. Myself.

The pieces I wrote were inspired by him, but the pieces are all about me. How I see myself. I see myself in him. I had the same dynamics he has in my life. My life. Literally. He told me several people might worry about him so he only pleaded one thing; “keep posting whatever you want, just make it eminent that I’m alive.” Taking over 4eversway3’s social life has been fun. I haven’t let my imagination run wild for a while. I would like to inform everyone looking for Sway or trying to contact him that he hasn’t really been around. I only let him pick up one call, but then I soon realized that was very compromising so I made him promise to loose his contacts. He singed in to all of his social media for me so I could make sure he wasn’t contacting anyone. I apologize for posing as him, but I had to make sure nobody was thinking he was dead. He’s not. He’s safe and sound. He’s my child until he leaves my house for good. I will keep my family safe, and more importantly, my child. He’s just a baby. To lose his parents at three years old is not even fathomable to me. He told me not to tell the truth as to what he’s doing and who he is living with for my family’s protection. All of his social media blowing up because of this website has made me realize that that is a lie. The truth always keeps you safe. And truth is, I lost sight of my values. This will be the last thing you hear about my family. And that includes Sway until I determine he is no longer a liability.

If you want to know what he’s up to right now, I’ll let you know. He’s in his room as usual listening to the damned same songs over and over again: Chicago “I don’t want to live without your love,” A Chal “perdoname,” IO Echo “stalemate,” Caroline Pennell “follow the sun,” and to finish the repeated playlist, Mist “sickmade.” I’ll never understand him.

Don’t worry, he’s my child now. And my children are kept happy as can be. If anyone wants to contact him, don’t. My family is more important than impatience. I’m teaching him well.

He’s shattered glass. There’s no point in repairing him to his ugly-self again. Instead, I will be the flame who’ll put him through hell to melt him into the glass piece you’ve always wanted. I am the better 4eversway3. And he is the better family. My family has reached a new bliss thanks to his wisdom.

– For Sway, thank you for being my family’s muse, you have come to be a blessing when you were only a problem. May you forgive me when you open your eyes again, think about who you are now. See yourself the way I see you. Don’t hate me. See the good that came out of the years of hell I put you through, please. –

~ May everyone’s heart rest in peace now. Mine will. Forever, Ca… L… Or… “I sea on both sides like Chanel.” ~ Calor



I was out and about yesterday. I have no home and I couldn’t have stayed home alone with my friend’s wife while he worked. Hence, I wandered the city of angels.

I was in the mood for some food so I picked out a nice, new-to-me sushi restaurant. It appeared to be very chic. They had pages and pages of options on their menu.

Study me, as I studied myself. I learned a lot about myself. I was all alone with hours to kill until I could go back to his place.

Since it was a good 100 degrees that day, I was a mess when I walked in. That day, I discovered what handkerchiefs are for. A handkerchief, the only thing missing in my outfit. My shoes were all black, very detailed Calvin Klein. I was wearing one of my Empire brand jeans. The color was a dark, serious type of grey. My shirt was a solid, cobalt blue Van Heusen that changed hue with the lighting. My shirt tucked in and black belt on lock. To top it off, I was wearing my new $300-Boccaccio, formal jacket. It looked way more expensive due to the solid black details that hardly any other jackets have. An exquisite rarity. The main color; a dark, serious type of grey. So I walk in looking exquisite except for my hair. A total mess due to all the walking through the breeze. My face relished by tiny beads of sweat. A lovely mess. If it weren’t for my clothes, I’d have just been a mess. I know I’m a mess, but if I can look good, I will. I represent my marriage.

I knew I was careless to walk-in a mess, but I couldn’t help it. What I could help was fixing myself up. So I politely accepted to be seated, but before sitting down, I excused myself and asked for the restroom where I freshened up. I walked in a monkey, and came out a handsome man. I laugh trying to imagine what they thought I was doing there at first. I could see the how the employee’s looks had changed from mockery to admiration. I am homeless, but I can still look like a kingsman. I’m blessed that way.

The waitress was disturbed to have to attend me at first. When I walked out of the restroom she started kissing my $100 shoes. Or so to say to help you visualize the change in attitude. I didn’t say anything. I’m used to faked behavior. I have a saying, “if you called me because you thought you knew me, you’re wrong. I’m not rich.” I’m just expensive. And I, Calor, being the only one who takes me out on a proper date. I can only hope I have mercy on anyone else who takes me out. I empty their pockets. Somehow, my pockets never end. I haven’t had to settle for any less than what I want except for a total of four days in my life. I took a hefty amount of time picking out what I was in the mood for. I had all day, they had no other customers. I could tell this place was cheap. It carried no eel in the hundreds of options they had. Eel is my favorite. They haven’t found ways to farm, or genetically modify eels yet. Or maybe they have, but it’s not public yet. Hence my passion for eel. I settled for the next best thing on the menu, lobster.

While I was pondering, the waitress came back to ask me for my drink now that I was ready and sat down. It’s a cheap place but I’m not cheap. I only wanted water but I knew I was only going to order very little food due to the lack of exquisite options. Hence, I ordered the most expensive of juices because I felt bad ordering water and one roll. She warned me it didn’t come with a refill, so I decided to order a glass of water as well. I wouldn’t pay for something I didn’t want twice. I kept looking at the menu, she kept coming around to ask what if I was ready. Every time, brining me more silverware, or asking if I needed anything else. No, I needed time to pick which one of the worst options was the best.

There was no one else but me at the tables around me. Which is translated as; I was her only customer at the time being. So I took my sweet and precious time to decipher my desire that day. I politely requested that she chilled while I decided, and that when I did decide, I’d go up to her and request my order. That way she’d stop hovering around me impatiently. I felt rude requesting such, so I decided to leave her an undeserved tip for frustrating her. I finally ordered a roll with and lobster/crawfish in it. All the other seafood sounded lame and dull.

While I was waiting for my food, a lady walked in. A lady I used to work with. I think. I still don’t know. What I do know, is that I discovered a valid reason as to why I hate makeup. This lady is a bit elderly and she wears a hefty amount of makeup. The whole set was plastered on her face. I wanted to ask if we used to work together, but if she said “no,” I’d have laughed out loud in front of her face (or not her face, at her makeup face) and that would’ve been really rude. I only like being rude in my mind for my own amusement. A good laugh due to how ugly I am. I try not to be rude for no one deserves a rude attitude. So I kept my mouth shut. We glanced at each other but I just could not recognize her. Makeup ends up looking similar every time, but in the smallest of details lies the difference. Thanks to staring at my love with the same face every day, I learned how every small detail defines a persons face for facial recognition in your brain. I couldn’t recognize this lady. Too much makeup threw me off. I have a suspicion that she was the same lady I knew, but I don’t know for a fact so she’s not. Makeup ruined a good conversation with her and her family for me. I don’t care for that. I care when makeup ruins a good relationship for me. I don’t approve of it for that reason. It does look beautiful but your face will always be more beautiful to me. So I’ll always encourage the lack of any makeup. My waitress looked 20 something and was wearing as much makeup as the 50 something year old lady. Bleh. Why even tip her more than her 20%? Oh well, I was being a burden.

I could tell my waitress was probably one of the pretty girls in school, but very ugly to me due to the fact that I couldn’t even see her face. So her polite demeanor got annoying. It felt as “make believe” as her facial features. It ruined the experience for me. Otherwise, the restaurant was decent. She was not as classy as she acted. Classy ladies wear classy clothes. Classy doesn’t mean rich or expensive. Just chic and formal. Not appealing to the lust, but to the artist. Her clothes was meant to catch lust, something appropriate for a strip club where it’s all about lust. This restaurant was posed out to be about upper echelon, respect and good demeanor. Hence the piano music instead of pop music coming through the speakers. She did not belong in there. She was just in there for the money. Hence her kissing my shoes so I’d leave her a fat tip due to the way I was dressed. Everyone can tell how different the demeanor is at Hooters versus Red Lobster. Excellency is eminent when present. People are what some would call “suck ups” to me often. They fake behavior just to exploit me. That’s why I don’t trust anyone except my love. They all assume, but never get to know how socially-trash I am. So their behavior towards me is faked until they get to know the real me. A homeless orphan. A stray.

I simply represent my personality. Patient, beautiful, and simple. My social status? It’s in the garbage. I’m not. So while I ate, I made it look exquisite. I never learned proper silverware etiquette, but I did try my best to made it look organized. My two cups to the left, for I never get my left hand dirty or messy, that way I don’t get my cups messy. My food to the right and I only use chopsticks, so all the unnecessary silverware this girl brought me was pushed to the other side of the table. It was useless and bothersome, so I got it out of the way. I drank the water before the juice for a clean digestion. I didn’t want the fruit juice anyways. All while I was performing every patient, beautiful and simple action after action I learned plenty about myself. I was inspired to write many quotes about myself. Ones I might share later in life. “I don’t hate makeup, I hate that I can’t see you.”

I only like and love my wife. That doesn’t mean I’ll dislike and not love others. I am a very kind and loving person if you deserve it. I’m not saying I’m worth anything, but if you value me, you’d value earning my favor. If I can help the upset people of this world setup a smile, I will.

I was being a brat, but I’d makeup for it with what she wanted. Good banter and a fat tip. Tips are her only income at that restaurant after all. She was treating me as if I were at hooters when I wanted and a patient, beautiful and simple waiter/waitress. I like to enjoy my time alone and uninterrupted. The employee choice bummed me out to the point where I’m never going back to a place as fake as that. Even the host seemed like he belonged in bed resting some more before coming in to work. That place was no five star restaurant. It whored itself out on the internet to make itself seem like one. “I see through to your heart” – Jhene Aiko.

She was staring and staring, hovering and hovering trying to start some banter all while I was trying to write down all of the quotes spewing out of my brain and trying to enjoy my food patiently. Five star restaurants are five stars due to their waiters etiquette and patience. Red Lobster here does have excellent mannered employees. “As employees, we are the face of the company,” I once heard. Nevertheless, I did treat her as the waitress she acted out to be. At the end, I got my check, wait, it was at the middle of my meal. And I’d like to think she didn’t mean to offend, but I was baffled and insulted when halfway through, she asked if I wanted a to-go box and a to-go cup for my juice and water. What?!?!? I really don’t like assumptions. Leave that for the low-rating restaurants. Upper echelon restaurant’s waiters are not waiters. They’re serves and are there solely to serve your every desire. That’s what they’re getting paid to do. I’m not tipping an employee to tell me what I want or don’t want, nor to suggest their specials just so they get paid more. Five star employees aren’t desperate like that. I’m tipping them to do what I want them too, that’s a five star employee right there. They’re working for the money anyways. Difference between slavery and a job? Perspective. You’re working to stay alive either way.

She was my waitress, not my slave. She knew what she was doing. I was insulted. I wasn’t ready to leave, “that’s why I’m paying for my time here.” I had predetermined to finish my food. That’s why I ordered it. It’s very rude and bad etiquette to leave leftovers. Those are for someone else, not me. I eat what I cook and/or order. I finish my meals. The Bible taught me right. She lost her fat tip there. I remained polite and handsome. She assumed things about me, so I was in my right to assume that she was oblivious as to how awful her service was. So I brushed it off and ended up giving her the banter she wanted to make up for the fact that I didn’t look her directly in the eyes once. I didn’t want to waste my eyesight on her soul. She was a waste of my vision. Plus I didn’t want to remember how awful service looked like. So my eyesight remained towards the clouds outside. The sky. My first romance. I love clouds and the way the sun brings lovely hues around them to pepper the clouds in ethereal beauty. At the end, after pushing her to the sidelines due to how repelling she was, I treated her as if she was a beautiful person.

When she first brought me my chopsticks, I tore the paper wrapping off and balled it up due to the fact that it was now trash. At the end, I flattened it out and instead of leaving my trash for her to pick up, I made a “filter tip” (as in the ones you use with cigarette rolling paper. She had definitely partied before) for her out of the paper trash. It was very professionally rolled to have an “S” encircled by the rest of the paper. I showed her the perfectly rolled “S” and told her my name is Sway. I noticed her name on the receipt while she grabbed the filter tip from my hand. I didn’t mean to actually give it to her. I had just come up with a quote that I wanted to put into practice. “My trash is not trash. I make it worth something. Something that beautiful can not be trash.” I was just trying to live what I wrote. She put it in her pocket while I asked her how her name was pronounced due to the fact that it could be pronounced one of two ways. I got it right the first time, so I went on to explain how the way she pronounced it meant “queen” in Spanish. She was no queen, far from it, but it made her feel flattered. The total was $17 and some change. I gave her $25 and told her that I didn’t require any change. She gladly didn’t give me any change. I gladly left and carried on to make my way to the beach. I needed the beach. I needed an actual five-star experience under some shade to help me forget that awful experience I had to go through. I made it clear that I needed 0% of what she was giving me. Well, aside from the chopsticks, those are “all mighty” tools if you ask me. (Joke to help you visualize what they mean to me.) Since I was going to walk some more and sweat some more, I did accept one of her offerings. A to-go cup of water. I left half of the pineapple juice on the table. Didn’t want it.

If it feels like I love you, it’s only because Jehovah taught me how to love something proper. I don’t love you. I only love my wife.

“Hello, my name is ‘Queen’ I’ll be your server today.” If a server was there to do whatever they wanted, they wouldn’t have a job. A SERVErs sole duty is to serve the client. Not to serve themselves. That’s why their service determines their tips at the end of the day. “Why don’t I get tipped as much as her?” I know why. You keep wondering.

Due to my behavior towards how others behave towards me, I have realized, I used to be cheap. Now I know who I am. And thanks to that, this website will live on forever and so will I. iAm…

– 4everCalor3. I, Calor, used to sing myself to sleep. Now, “Hero” by Extreme Music is the only thing that puts me to sleep in minutes.

~Please stay safe. Don’t ever buy drugs again. From anyone. Ever. Don’t. Never again. Why? I met two gangsters in GD. You don’t know if your dealer or your own family is rolling deep with the Gangster Disciples. Larry Hoover taught them to not play any unnecessary games while in the game. They’re not going to have a single gram of mercy. They take what they want when they want it. Including lives. Please try your best to stop the devil from hollering hallelujah any longer. Please, listen to “The Calling” – The Rigs. If we all make it out alive through hell, soon we’ll realize, we can come “Home.” – The Rigs. And if you are not ready to pick a side, then stay the same, but please be exclusive. You can “Be My Devil.” – Tony Lee Stafford Jr. My love is unconditional~

“You can take her out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of her.” I continue to live and learn.

Acceptance. “I want to see you smile, and know you mean it.”

The 4eversway3 you have hated and loved had a fallout due to a series of unfortunate events. He gave me the website so I could keep it alive. This is not a confession. These are not assumptions or opinions. This is not fiction to those who know the truth, but it is to you. The content of this writing article are purely factual only to me and who I am talking to. These facts are not intended to represent or depict any actual event, person, or entity of your life and such similarities of the reader’s life are purely coincidental. This piece is made to be factual for me, Calor and my bodyguard only. I recently lost all my trust in my bodyguard. That is due to the fact that I never trusted her with the truth of my past, present, and future. I do not in any way endorse, condone or encourage engaging in any conduct depicted in this piece of writing. I am Calor. 4eversway3 is mine. My bodyguard makes sure it stays that way. So here’s to you, Keira. Thank you.

“I FUCKING HATE YOU.” You’d hear that every time I felt like dying. Alma was my life when you met me. You confessed and showed me the fake Kik accounts you’d make just to ruin her life in group chats. You’d have been doing this way before you met me. I joined the chat. Alma started hitting on me to the point where she confessed she liked me. I started drinking a week before I met you. Drinking? No. I was attempting suicide. I posted plenty of pictures of all of the bottles I bought in one day. I planned to drink them all until my liver failed and you guys would be my audience. I wanted to be entertainment. Life has crippled my mental and emotional state. It made me have the personality of a pit bull. Unknown. It wasn’t my fault back then. I was ready to die. Slow suicide because up until you left me, I would have never taken my life in one day. Alma was so sweet to me, she hit and hit on me playfully until I realized she was genuine about it. You’ve always hidden me. That’s probably why you never hit on me in the chat. So Alma couldn’t avoid your destruction. She wasn’t hitting on other guys in the group chat like you had been doing all your life. She was a proper lady. You had a personal vendetta towards Alma. Why? I know. I won’t expose. You used your cousin Gabi’s profile picture to steal any guy who liked Alma. In the group chat we were in, I was so vulnerable and feeble that you easily took advantage real quick. Anyone could’ve enjoyed my last moments. I wanted to spend them talking to you. I was going to die anyway, why date you? I started to date Alma. She lives in the same place as well. She’s my age. She used to be wifey material. You took me from her with your own profile picture. I don’t know if you had ever done that, but if you hadn’t, that’s why I became your “dirty little secret.” Alma never made me feel bad. Up until you came in my life because breaking up with her broke my heart. She was starting to make me fall for her. She was so innocent and docile. With all of the false promises you made me, I decided to believe you and take the risk. I was going to die anyways. You knew. The whole chat knew. Your sweet lies were everything I ever wanted. How could I not risk it? I was a little child back then. Alma was way too mature for me. You ruined Alma’s life. You took her most prized possession. She is the same dog you are were, now because you broke her spirit. She became that way just as I did. She was a wolf inside. My wolf. You took the love of her life away from her. You gave me what she didn’t. A reason to live. I apologize to Alma. Alma would end up as miserable as I am right now. Alma and I both know que Es familia. Alma, still is mature beyond me. Sadly you broke her. And you, my love, were acting more mature than her the first few months. You have been fake with me since day one. I see how immature you are now. You’re not ready to be a wolf. “Love, there’s guys out there who are way sexier than me. They have way better personalities. I’m at the end of my life.” You’d lie with no regret. Told me you’d give me life. To leave Alma for you if I really wanted to live.There was no way you’d lose what Alma cherished the most. She would’ve given me the world I want if you hadn’t stolen me from her. I didn’t want her though. Just her world. You knew I was ready to suicide thanks to what I posted on the chat every day. Easy prey. Being the demon you are, you preyed on me. Easy prey huh? “With an ethereal face like yours, I’d let you enslave me.” And I did huh? Truth? You were so fake the first few months. I thought you could be my mother with how ready for babies you were. You were fake until after you were sure I was “head over heals for you.” Until you had not only my heart bound to you, but the law as well to keep me bound to you. Then came your true age. FUCK!!! You played me so dirty. You scared me until I was wide awake and alive again. I never asked for your age because same as Alma, you looked way older than me and acted even older. I thought I was wise enough to determine how old you girls were. I was wrong. Too late. You had me “dazed and confused” – Led Zeppelin in this newfound paradise. You chose me to use me. I always told you to find a better guy. I chose you to fix that depression of yours. I was depressed. Alma wasn’t. You needed help. So did I. You crowned yourself queen when you took Alma’s king. She wanted to fight you so bad. I mean you both live in the same place. She is an adult, so she said no. You’re such a prick in the slit. You pretended to be Alma’s best friend while I was cheating on her with you. When you asked me why I left the chat, I thought “wow. This goddess-looking woman is asking me why I left? Maybe she wants me.” Well I wanted you from the start. You had the sexiest profile picture out of anyone else. You never told me you were a child. You never told me how upset your parents would be if they found out how dirty of a soul you have. So I let you dirty me as well, until I was unrecognizable like “Cheif.” (From last piece) I’ve never been that dark in my whole life. How tf did I let you do me so dirty? I know you’re mature. I’ve heard and seen how much more intelligent you are than me. I never wanted to run wild with you. I wanted a wife. I never found one so I was ready to leave earth. Then came Mrs. Save-a-Jo. Alma LOVED ME. And if you hadn’t ruined me for her, she’d still love me. Ask her if she does. Might or she might just despise me. You had no mercy. She became what you are. She started having a handful of guy “friends” after we broke up. She started doing drugs and fell off the wagon. You made her suicidal. You got what you wanted. To get rid of the person you most despise in this world. Alma. Now you were stuck with me. A fool struck by Cupid. Or struck by just you. Your cousin Kayla knows. “He’s not that cute, but…” What a fool I was to believe you liked my face as much as I liked yours. You cringed at mine. My body as well. I’d never leave your face. You noticed. I was always admiring it. Always. I can and did stare at you all day. I never lie from day one. Things change. But I was your most prized possession. Your instrument of death. You killed me and Alma in one day thanks to how mentally challenged I was when you met me. You didn’t give ONE SINGLE FUCK ABOUT US. About what we had. You lied with no remorse. “I’ll give you better.” Did you?I had a woman I could actually go to meet her parents and ask for her hand like I have always dreamed of. Someone who could save me when I most needed saving. You’re still making me wait for salvation. I never liked your personality, why? It was two-sided so all I saw was “fake.” “I’ll never leave you for anything or anyone.” You left for no reason way too many times for way too many hours with no explanation our first relationship. If you love someone, you explain why you’re leaving. Leaving them oblivious is done for a reason. One only, you didn’t want me to know who or what you really doing. By the time I found out who and what you really were, it was too late. You had already achieved a legal hold on me. One I couldn’t break without getting sent to hell. Now, “sweet and innocent” you could go to the authorities if I left you. You made sure of it by sending my thirst traps the first week I met you. I never asked for anything until after you had already raped my eyes. Well, I loved who you were when you weren’t high off of sex or pills. So when you pussyfooted around and asked me a simple math question, that’s when I knew I HAD TO SUICDE BEFORE I LANDED IN HELL. It was too late. I didn’t want to suicide. I wanted you. Always have. My “chubby cheeks!!!” (They really aren’t that chubby but that’s how cute she is to me) My “shmushywushyebhjefqvhibdifid ahh!!,! You’re so coot!!,” so I lost all maturity that you had enjoyed since day one. That’s when I realized how fake your lies were. You were a sheep in wolves clothing. You weren’t ready for marriage. You used me to spit on your worst enemy’s face. On everyone’s face. Your tool was all I was to you. You’ve always liked toys. And I, your legally bound boy toy. I was too drunk and high to the point where even an illusion of love could’ve enslaved me. Alma almost did. You made sure she didn’t by being sleazy with me from week one. I didn’t realize you were manipulating my feeble, intoxicated mind. You made me feel sexy when I was always “never that cute.” You loved showing off, that’s why so many omegele users enjoyed you before me. You had years to analyze exactly how to break Alma’s world into smithereens. You acted out so many different personalities with each different fake account you made for her. You studied her every move. You had your fun. Ruined ours. Made me your slave instead. Being a slave was no fun. Truth? It didn’t happen because I was drunk. I was pissed and disillusioned by you. “You are only with me because you wanted to see Alma cry?” Demon. I had to slay demons as a living before you. So I had “phone sex” is what you call it, with someone who loved me like no one else ever will. You never have loved me like her. She actually cared for my mental and emotional wellbeing. You made me cut, starve, drink, sleep deprived, an “all F” student. Thanks to how much you crippled my self-esteem, I acted out how shitty I felt. I mean damn, thanks to you I’d be going to hell. Imagine the trauma. You readied me for the rape. Shit, if it means free life and no rent, go ahead. Shi, I’ve let my girl rape me for free so this is a big up. Thanks to you, I’d be going to hell? Thanks to you I’m in hell. And yes, now that you left me, I do want to suicide. All these years of manipulated enslavement, it became normal to me. Now that I’m free, my best friend as of right now has made me realize what real freedom is. I was in the United States of Calor with no amendments to help me. You became my master. And I your sex slave. You never let me meet your parents. You’d threaten to break up with me if I did meet them, making the excuse “they won’t accept you anyways. Don’t try.” You didn’t know that. I only get along with mature people. I grew up with elders of great wisdom. I don’t know this, but everyone I’ve met says I’m wise beyond wisdom. The universe tells me the secrets. I don’t know the secrets. I just preach what’s good. They would’ve loved me back then if we tried when I wanted too. When I asked you out, I literally wanted to go visit you and go out when I was 17. Ask your father for your hand. I chose and still do choose you as my wife. Now I’m too old to even try. I guess that’s why you did this. To show me you were perfectly correct. Should’ve let me try at 17. We could’ve saved time. You knew this would happen. Yet you made it happen. I have been your king all along, yes. But only in your game of chess against life. Not your king in reality. You had NO RESPECT FOR ME. Now I know why. I was your damn slave after all. “Why respect those, huh?” Ask the USA. African Americans are beautiful humans if you respect them. If not, they’re “niggers.” And by that, I am talking about the original definition. “A person who lacks good hygiene.” Which back in the original days, were slaves. They weren’t allowed to be beautiful. You never allowed me to be. The best you allowed was not that cute. You never allowed me to be beautiful. You’d lose your hold over me if your parents accepted me. If the world accepted me. Then I could leave if I wanted to. A lethal sin in your books. You wanted it to be only you who accepted me. That way I’d see you as a goddess. My goddess. You’re not god to have his power of choosing whether someone lives or not. Only Jehovah gets to use that power. You never have accepted my Dog side. Alma did. When I was with you, before my soul fired up, you saw who I am. A very gentle and caring man. Why have my ex’s missed me? Why do you think I kept them around? No one has or will love them the same as me. The Bible taught me perfect love. I couldn’t help act any worse than perfect. What they thought was true love, was simply me loving them the way the Bible taught me too. I truly love you, it’s not an act. I was bound to you now. I felt bad for what you were keeping enslaved from them. Me. So I still stopped to say hi here and there on my lunch break. It wasn’t my choice to be enslaved. I was raped into slavery. You have a legal, moral, emotional, and plenty more holds on me. Really? You want to take my life now? Giving me life would require you to give me a life. A home. I’m an orphan. I always knew I wasn’t the one. Isaiah met your mom. He’s a Dog with no “gentle” or “care” in him. “Oh! He’s 17? Perfect. Go ahead. Get fucked over. He’s your age. And star athlete with bad grades? Even better. Sounds like a good boyfriend for you. It’s all fun and games until you’re 18, right?.” I’m not playing. You’re no game to me. You’re my life. I know because I see you in every aspect of it. If “K” sticks around to meet you one day, she’ll let you know how, out of the most simple things in life I can whip up an analogy or metaphor that leads back to you. My life is not a game anymore. I’m a husband, and you’re still playing. That’s why this world takes me as a joke. “You’re not married. She’s not even here HAHAHAHA.” Lame. I know for a fact that Isaiah was not the first one to have a sexual relationship with you in person. After Cenoa, I never let anyone get as close to my privacy as she did. I left you when I turned 18 and I remember how much it hurt when you told me everything Isaiah was doing to you. Alma told me, “you’re not her first. She uses toys as a perfect lie. Then leaves for hours and what are you doing waiting at home like a bitch? Lap dog.” You lied to Alma for years acting as her best friend. She believed. She cried and cried in my ear about how fake you and I were to her. Perfect lies is all you fed her. I saw you at work in the group chat. I’m disgusted at how proud I was of you. Pride blinded me from the truth. You were lying to me exactly the same. I was too drunk to care though, to me, I had found my life. I think subliminally, that’s when I started doubting every sweet little nothing you told me. I’ve rejected sexual activities except for that one finger action in middle school. She had convinced me to pop my first pill and made my hand her toy. I was fresh out of surgery taking ibuprofen for the pain. I was craving the hospital’s morphine. I guess that’s why I like being abused. When I was oblivious to the truth, you told me you were ready to give your “virginity” to Isaiah. Wait WHAT???? Your own family took your virginity. I won’t expose which one out of the several you mingled with. All of your childhood, men rejected you, so much to where you said “fuck men” and fucked something else very sinful instead. I knew you were just after a the best piece of ass in your school with Isaiah to make me mad jealous. You’d laugh psychotically when I admitted how much pain you caused. The “top dog.” Star athlete. You love crowning yourself queen. You knew I’d be destroyed by every touch Isaiah enjoyed. Why? He’s what I always saw as better than me. Thanks to years of analyzing, you drove me mentally ill with Isaiah. I love you. Always have. You knew exactly what I’d do after your satanic lies. “I’ll lose my virginity to him if you don’t steal me from him.” Calor wtf. I was 18 by then. Wtf. You’re the master puppeteer of your whole life. I broke. I acted a dog, but this real-life dog was about to take my fiancé and what she was calling her “virginity?!?!” Just imagine. Try, TRY your best to imagine the type of pain that drove me insane. Calor, imagine why it hurt so much when you’d leave me to go talk to Isaiah after you broke up with him and got back with me? I wasn’t jealous. I was broken. Mentally and spiritually. At my easiest point in life. You fed off of me once more. Your easy prey. Then came the worst pain. You loved when I included Isaiah in your sexual fantasies. I loved loving you. I grew up with my nose in the Bible. You grew up watching porn and using family and friends to act it out. Especially growing up with what you call your “best friend” with the magical tongue and cute face. He made you wet before me. Isaiah did as well. So did family? Virginity? What virginity? Neither emotional or physical. Always talking about how “he’s the first who got me wet.” You always treated me as stupid. You saw me as blind as your dog. I was your pet after all. Your sexual slave due to you sending me something you knew you shouldn’t have. Why? I was too drunk and high to even think about life. All I saw was how faded I was. If you really wanted to be with me, you could’ve waited. I was waiting to fall in love with you with you when you sent me a surprise booty call. You booty called me to assure Alma wasn’t giving me what you were. You ruined Alma’s life until, what I hope is her finding a new true love. A new me. You didn’t want to be with me. Playing the games you never stop playing got you where you are. Your mother would’ve killed you for that. Emotionally that is. And physically. You didn’t want another “brutal-belt-beat-down” from your very “strong-armed” mother. Was the risk worth it? Have I been the perfect slave? Have I??? Did you enjoy beating on me like your mother did you? Because all of these tears, years, and fears will never be worth what you put me through if I was not at least the best dog you had around. You’re not worth going to hell for. You never let me crown you my Queen. I stayed regardless. Why? Well, it’s not like I could leave without going to hell. Plus I had fallen in love with your mature side. The real side. The real you. Don’t you remember? You courted me like a gentleman the first month, then broke me like your least favorite toy. I only wanted to go to hell once. And I made it happen. I’m not trying to go back. I’m trying to escape the wrath of your world. Not you. Why stop trying? So she can beat me with the same belt she used to abuse you with? It’s pointless. She won’t understand how much I’ve come to not only to love, but accept you. She’ll only see my age. In person, I took better mental, emotional, spiritual and physical care for you. What your parents broke, I did my best to fix. According to you? Idk. According to other mothers and daughters, yes. To men? Not so much. “Fuck that bitch.” Is most men’s opinion on women. You went from “demon” to my wife. Why? Regardless of all the pain, I always saw the wolf in you. You were no wolf. You love dogs. Teddy being your favorite. They say you never forget your first. I haven’t. That’s why you can’t get rid of your dog. The other animals? “Meh” Same here. You didn’t want to let me go. You would leave every other guy you were manipulating just to “get off” with me instead. Even your guy best friend. Ask him if he misses your moans next time he visits. You did not lose your virginity to me. You lost that when you were in elementary. Trying all these things with your friends. Even your close family. Ask her. She remembers. She just never tells you because it was traumatic for her. Plus I saw firsthand how abusive you are to her. I hope you treat her better now. You live your life as the master puppeteer. Even your parents are manipulated by you. That’s why you love them. That’s how you love. You manipulate them for Isaiah and Kaden and some other people’s but not me? Okay. I’m glad you don’t. That way I get to impress them. Good or bad.

You have a power that you abuse. You abused me. You raped me. You knew exactly what you want. And though I was entertaining, you didn’t want me. You were looking to be the most prized. And I? Your possession. Together we are perfect. I never manipulated you into loving me. I manipulated myself so you’d love me. I’m not indecisive, I have to change what I like to be able to get lost in you. That’s why I’m so confused. You wanted my virginity. I never wanted sex. I hate it because of you. Babygirl, if you couldn’t tell that I was faking being a dog for you when I was never into our chemistry, now you know. I never get horny like a dog. That pissed you off to the point where you would always leave me for hours to go get what you wanted. I apologize. This wolf has one wolfette who only she, have I ever wanted to make love too. You. I don’t “fuck.”

I grew up a bastard. That’s when the Bible became my father. I love my father. I love how beautiful every message in the Bible is. It was all I ever desired. The Bible itself says there will be no perfect until he makes it perfect. So growing up, I said “fuck it, why even look for the perfect one.” I’d rather die a virgin than to make love to someone who isn’t perfect. I knew it’d never happen, hence the bottles and bottles. Puffs and puffs. Searching and searching. She was everything the Bible taught me not to accept. I’m no god so I accepted her. I always knew I would, that’s why I remained untouched until you. Really? I just wanted you for sex? You’ve let so many things and people in and out of you, that it made my stomach churn. I refused to meet you because I knew sex was all you wanted. I hated that. Not you. That’s why I never came to visit until you gave me no choice. “Who are you trying to impress?” Calor, she wouldn’t like me otherwise. After I realized how manipulated I was to give it up to you, I didn’t want to come back. You begged and begged so I did. And that’s why I stayed soft the whole second day. So yeah, truth is, it was your fault. I was in your city way before that day even came. You remember. The day when your parents left you home alone until 1am. I arrived at 6am. We would’ve had a whole day to ourselves in your house. You begged and begged. You fucked and fucked with my mind but luckily, I was too drunk to care for you. I remained there on business only. You dangled the apple in my face, but I was no Eve. I never wanted to lose my virginity to you when I did. That’s why the next day wasn’t as fun. Too much on my mind. I was so frightened by you. You almost literally snapped my neck being so careless about me.

YOU made me lose everything. EVERYTHING. MY JOB. MY FRIENDS. MY REPUTATION. MY MONEY. MY SLEEP. MY APPETITE. EVERYTHING!!!… my will to live. My evidence as well. Why? You’re way more intelligent than me. You stopped loving me the day my phone’s memory was erased. You left me for a whole week after that happened. You started to be sweet when I revealed my old phone hadn’t been wiped clean. You made our last trip seem like we were headed towards vacation. You said your parents were cool with you leaving town for a while. Joked about the whole gravity of it. Manipulated me into giving you my life. My evidence. Jehovah blessed me and I recovered the proof. So the whole fiasco for what?Talking Alma through how to touch herself like you taught me? I was tipsy, but ask her. I wasn’t moaning with her. I was just helping her get some closure for how mentally insane you made her. I felt so bad. How could you not? You’re this girl’s worst nightmare. We wasted her time and feelings towards us. She may not be happy with me because of you. After years, “K” helped me understand that it may not have been entirely my fault. But only I believe that without evidence. I was her nightmare as well. And I don’t want her. I left her for you. I want you. You told me some of your worst secrets. You will lie or die until you do die. You haven’t told me the worst though. Only you and god know those. You manipulated me into erasing all evidence of the sins you had told me about. “Say Sway is lying. He has no evidence of anything anymore so you’re safe.”

Maybe they’re safe. Maybe not. Talk. I’m not lying anymore. “First place you will never know.” OF COURSE! I’m not here to be your demon. I’m here to be your angel. You’re a demon trying to change. But you can’t. You’re still the exact same as before you met Alma. Except, you realized the truth in the Bible. There’d be no demons without angels to turn. I was helping your dying enemy when I called Alma that night. You thought she had already gone to suicide. You left her for dead. Maybe you’d find her laying on the streets one day. You’d laugh the way you did when you fed the coyotes some bunnies as a youngling. Or the way you do when you torture cute stuff until they cry.

Who did that to you? “I’ll never tell.” And probably never will tell me. You have made me keep my mouth shut for too long. You’re not here to shut me up anymore. My mother has manipulated me to stay silent about every devilish tendencies my father has. That’s what made me buy all those bottles. Eventually the pain was too much for little me to keep on carrying. I heard my father is finally leaving home. I’d like to go back but it’s too late. I’d like to tell the judges what he did to my mother and I. I’d like to help my mother. But I can’t due to you. I’d end up in hell. You have taken my life. And this eye-opening weekend, my will to live. Now that you don’t have a hold on me, I’m living. Or dying. It’s my choice. The choice feels beautiful, but I feel like a zombie.

This is not to defame you. This is to finally let everyone know why I’m so shady. Why I stay hidden in your box. Why I always ducked them when all they wanted was to say hi. ”Where have you been for the past three years?” In a soundproof box. You make me look like the devil to everyone. Not your husband, the devil. Even to your parents. Am I? WAS I EVER your husband? Wtf. I just stopped to think about that. Was it all one big joking game to you? Is that why you’re still playing? I’m not your husband am I? That’s why no one is telling me “come home to your wife.” Instead all I hear is denigration. Hate. Despise. “Why don’t you just die or go to hell already. Dirty beaner.” (deniggerating lmao. I’ll miss you. Don’t miss me and never hurt your love again please. He’ll end up worse than me because you actually tell him everything you do and think. Savage lmao. Stop or you’ll lose him. Unless that’s what you want.) Oh. Okay. Well, I choose death. Always have. Wanted my life to end when I was seven. Still do. I don’t have a wife according to everyone. I have a legal problem. Because legally she’s not my wife. And that’s all anyone cares for now a days. Laws. How it should be right? Wrong. Lawns are bipolar. A weed smoker in Indiana is sent to jail. A weed smoker in Cali becomes Snoop Dogg. A lack of a legal contract means you guys are just a fling. A lack of a legal contract doesn’t mean Quakers weren’t married. Murder is a crime. Murder is what the police do for self-defense. War is not to be waged on thy neighbors. War is to be waged on other countries. In god we trust. Except the government, that’s why the Bible isn’t our constitution or bill of rights.

Jehovah marries. Not bipolar humans. I’m spiritually tied to you and I won’t betray that ever again. Don’t believe me. I don’t care if you do. That way I can impress you. Good or bad. Go ahead and believe it’s a lie. I always lie after all, huh? Sigh. I’m on a very limited permit to stay in the US. If I were like every other Hispanic, I’d marry a US citizen to stay. The only reason I’d stay here is you. Otherwise, my country is home. That’s why I post up in Cali. So I have the choice to choose without you manipulating me. I can or will get kicked out of here in less than two years. I’ve made my empire, I’m taking it with me and leaving on my own account if that happens. I would never marry a US citizen to stay here for you. You NEVER stopped to think about my citizenship did you? You don’t think I want to stay here for your comfort? For your family? What does “wife” mean to you then? You don’t think I like it here?

I’d rather have you meet me in my country than marry someone to stay here and be close to you. I’m used to sharing you. So I don’t mind going to my own county anymore. I’ll wait. I’m married to you. Only you. When I left at 18, I told you. “We may not be together, but next time we are, you won’t be my girlfriend, you’ll be my wife.” You didn’t want to marry me. You probably felt bad for using Isaiah to manipulate me back into your hands when you realized it worked. Of course you didn’t mind me running to my country or going to hell. You made it seem like I’d end up in paradise. Now I know you were preparing me for hell. Really? This whole fiasco for one phone call with my ex? That’s what started it all. Really? You tried your best to send me to hell, why? It’s paradise without me, since I am the devil who only makes life worse. What about your other “angels?” It’d be paradise with them hovering around you without having to worry about me catching you and getting hurt. Yes, they are handsome devils, I know that’s your thing. I’m an angel, you made me what you wanted too.

No more. I’m forever Sway. And since I was seven, I’ve wanted my angel. The angel of death. Death. My best friend. She’s always here. Unlike you. “Oh! I’d die without you… blah blah blah.” I die by the end of every day since you left. It’s hell. It’s insanity. Every day is the same with no different conclusion. You’re not here. Your last manipulating desire? “Wait for me.”

We can do whatever we want as humans. It’s those who manipulate us, like my parents, that stop us from our true passion. Smart cookie, you learned plenty well from watching your family manipulate with the ease of simply raising an arm like you do to me. I saw manipulation first hand with how my parents treated me. You treat me the same. That’s how I know now.

I’m constantly praying for my life. You’re no god so stop acting like one. You don’t determine whether I live or die. Don’t cry. We’ve had a good time. Well, you have mostly. I treated you like an angel so you’d realize you are better than one. Why do you think you love yourself so much after I fixed you? You don’t. You broke what I fixed constantly. You love the demon life too much. I hate it. It’s what I’ve lived my whole life. I longed for paradise. Heaven. Maybe I’ll see you there. Only then will we know if we were meant to be or not. Being in Cali since you left has been deadly. There’s so many substances that will allow you to forget you’re even alive. There are temptations left and right. It really is hell, huh?

(I almost had to call a rescue team after consuming enough inspiration to write the last piece. Without you, Keira, I would’ve never consumed anything. I wasn’t ready to grieve. She’s not dead yo. You kept asking after I was done talking about her. Then you send Kay to ask me why I’m ignoring you? Wtf. You know perfectly well what you did. You were the one who gave me all that inspiration to get grief over with and while I do, you leave and ignore me? I was literally burning up and couldn’t move. I told you I had already been sleep deprived and I lost appetite for three days. You never told me to stop at one point. Jehovah saved me. I would’ve died all alone. I wasn’t ready then. What if I couldn’t have even finished typing it? By definition, you didn’t care. All you care for is my knowledge. I couldn’t even dial a damn number. No call, no text. You could’ve saved me if no one else did. Yet you chose to leave. Sound familiar? It’s almost a curse. Some gnarly witchery. You’re far from being as valuable as Calor, so you don’t get a second chance. Ignoring me broke my trust. I’ve been ignored by EVERYONE. It’d be beautiful to meet someone who doesn’t avoid me for once. And the crew? I’m there due to you. I never wanted to be in the game with people like that. Well, Slip is the best, so I’ll miss him as well. Laugh one last time with me, Keira. Kudos for making it look pretty but that’s pretty shitty dude. Wtf lmao. I don’t hate you or anything. It’s personal. Tell Slip he’s yours to keep. I don’t want to say bye. I’d feel bad. Enjoy. I’m leaving the crew forever. Ride or die? I don’t ride with people I don’t trust. And no one there is worth living for. I might go sling BMW’s in the hills, stop by and say hi, but I’m never talking to any of you again. My vacation is almost over, I have to get ready for when my master blows the whistle to come home again. Let’s not take our own advice. Our loved ones are worth way more than us, so make yourself expensive while I do.)

I have nothing else to say so I’m ready to join my angel now. You’re not my angel. Death is. You scare me the way death scares everyone. Not me. Death manipulates everyone to STAY ALIVE. It is a choice. My choice my love, ever since I was a child. Stop manipulating me to do everything you want me too. You never did do what I wanted you too. So it’s my turn. For just once, allow me to determine whether I want to live or not. Don’t TELL me to, let me decide. Don’t cry.

You always wanted a dog? I always wanted death. You got your best friend. Teddy. You got your dog. Me. Have I gotten what I want? No. And you’ve known this since before Alma. Scroll. Scroll scroll scroll. Fucking scroll then. Look at the chat before we met. Everyone was trying to convince me not to drink my life away. And I like women. Not men. Women! Guys had great advice. Oh well. I didn’t want Alma’s advice either. She had the best advice. But I didn’t want to stay alive for her. You gave me no advice, but sure did make me want to live for you. If virginity was what I cared for, I would’ve married Hailey and gone to go live with her. She could barely stick her fingertip in and got too wet so she’d always stop. She started dripping. I never made you as wet as Isaiah. You made me feel like trash. And now? I am trash to the US eyes. Your family’s eyes. Mine as well. Thank you.

Thank you for leaving, maybe you do love me. I always had faith in it. I always wanted you to, but I never believed it. I was in the blind. So faith is what kept me there. I thought you were being romantic with this debacle. Now I realize maybe it was your way of killing me. Your way of loving me. I didn’t and don’t want you to kill me. You don’t get to decide that. I DO. For once, I do. You, by definition, almost killed me two times. Almost snapped my neck the first time, and almost killed me if you hadn’t stopped choking me the second. I was losing consciousness. Why’d you let go? For this? For the life I’m living now? It seemed so romantic though. I was so in love with you at that very moment up until you let me live and face the ire of your world.

Loving discipline is mental and emotional. Hateful discipline is beating your child so that they fear you, not the belt. I feared my parents. That’s why I’m so mental and emotional. They never cared to teach me what those were. They didn’t know. Now I do. You made me fear you, not the belt. So your actions became irrelevant, I got used to your beatings. That’s when I knew I was in love. I love your beatings. The pain that you bring me. It’s almost romantic. “I love the way you lie.” – Rihanna. Now I’m all grown up and just like my parents, you lost me. I want them to care so so bad. Always did. They never did. Never do. It’s not their fault. I don’t blame them. I don’t blame you. “I love you, Ca… L… Or…” My parents are dead to me because they’re not alive. If they were, they’d run after me instead of remaining limp, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t keep running away. I’d turn around and hug them because I do, I love them.

I wish you hadn’t told me about the belt stories. I wouldn’t run away from your world, I’d rather hug her. I love her for making you. Your father as well. I never told you, but I think you could tell I wish he was my father. Never had one, and he seems like the best to me.

Anyways. I’ve loved death since before I joined the group chat. Alma knew that. She accepted it and that’s why we had no problems until death took her angel. Later, she’d find out it wasn’t death. It was you taking me away from her. You took my soul away from me. And made sure she died. I love being soulless because it allows you to fill me up with yourself. I love you. Not my soul. You’re my soul. You’re not telling me you want me anymore. Or showing it. So it’s a lie by definition. You said you’d never cheat on me. I said I’d never die on you. Nobody knows except for you and I. I know you. You know me. That was always our problem. I finally dished out a Will. This is my Will. I’ll talk to my lawyers about getting you some keys. You’ll get everything I own. I hope my mother doesn’t try to take anything or throws anything away. But it’s yours. “Oh! I would die without you.. blah .blahfuckingblah.” You will be invited to my funeral. Don’t worry, I don’t lie from day one.

I’m haven’t died from you leaving me, or whether you cheat on me or not. Why? I apologize, but I cherish the Bible, it liberated me. I realize I should not give you the power only God should have. The power of holding my life in your hands. Death will treat me way better than you. I know that much. You’re over there hating me, playing the same damn game you did with Alma. Ruining my life. You wasted years of her life. And now you’re wasting mine. My parents already wasted years, you were supposed to save me. You promised you’d fix me from day one. I could be making $3000 a week but I got google searched. Now I can only make $1000 if I’m lucky. Hoping they don’t get discouraged as well. Death won’t waste my years. She’ll erase them. I broke this promise because you broke my life. I’m trying so hard to fix my problems, but I literally can’t without you by my side. Like you literally need to be right next to me to solve most problems. Babygirl, now you made sure I am only your love. And when someone googles me, all they do is hate. So kudos, only strangers love me. I don’t want to be loved anymore. I don’t want to meet strangers anymore. I only want you. Don’t take my word for it. I do love you, it hasn’t faded. So I haven’t faded either. I’d go to jail for you, but you’ve already put me through so much shit to deserve that. I’d take a bullet for anyone. As long as they deserve it.

You deserve me being a good husband, so I’ll become a car salesman if I don’t die. I’m out of hell. Found family yesterday. I finally do not feel the pain of your incessant manipulation.

I can finally get a job without you feeling like the weekend shift. “Oh, you’re not in the mood, Sway bear? It’s fine.” You’d hang up on me. Come back hours later. Were they in the mood? Did you enjoy? Did they? Did you enjoy me?

Hope so.

Crazy cat

-M.I.A “Bad Girls”

-Diplo “Welcome To The Party”

-Wiz Khalifa “Taylor Gang”

I have a benign breast disease that could turn into cancer any day. I have a dislocated coccyx and hip due to an injury. My knees pop like those of an aged man when I stand up due to fracturing them in middle school. My left wrist is fractured as well. I have constant heart aches due to a coronary microvascular disease. I fight anorexia due to depression constantly. My left hip joint causes pain and a pop with every step I take. And who knows what other joints are dislocated due to being thrown in a gym at 14 with no supervision. The edge of a 45lb weight saved my neck from being crushed by 155lbs once. I have the stomach of a six year old due to having my guts cleaned inside-out inch by inch. Literally. It’s in the report. I have God-knows how many injuries due to walking out alive and going home after three car crashed. Only one was totaled. Oh, and three more as a child. Never went to the hospital for those either. Sprained ankles, one fractured. All broken knuckles due to having to make my fists solid walls. I have a dislocated jaw. Et Cetra. I could think of more, but point is, physical pain and injury is irrelevant to me. That’s not my life.

My life? My “bad girls” let the crew know they’re “welcome to the party” and it doesn’t end until only my heavy weight “Taylor Gang” is repping the set.

That’s not to say I’m cheating with other women. I’m an attractive soul. “Wait for me.” Okay. Truth? I always knew how unhealthy it was to have Calor forced as my only friend. My best friend. Where is my best friend? I don’t know. She left. Hasn’t called. So I made new friends. Friends. Not hoes. Ask any “hoe” that knows me. Where am I? Gone. I told Calor that these “hoes” are irrelevant. She never believes me. I blame myself for that. “I have a tendency to take root in the hearts and minds of those who initially find me off-putting. It’s a small but loyal group.” -Hank Moody. “Well, everything put together, falls apart, Hank.” – Faith. I left the old life behind. Not Calor, we weren’t “put together.” We were made as one, that’s why we never fall apart. There’s always something to keep us attached. We just have to get “closer to the connection” -Jhene Aiko. I found one new female friend, my bodyguard, and plenty of Taylored ass homies. She is the witness to my exclusivity to Calor. She even protects it.

Meet Keira, my bodyguard. So far, a girl named Jessica was the only girl brave enough to try to be exclusive with me. She was far from my type, but Keira still made sure Jessica got the message real quick. I keep myself exclusive to Calor. My bodyguard keeps me exclusive to Calor. It’s a win win. Keira is older than me and engaged, so she gets paid with the knowledge that I have and she doesn’t. I help her keep her life intact, she helps keep me intact. She loves my wife, hasn’t met her. She will when I do. Me? The name is Gatsby. The Better Gatsby.

Since Calor left, to this day, not a single girl has touched any of me. Not even my clothes. I stay in my isolated room while everyone enjoys my parties. I know I’m a wolf. There’s only one “Nutmeg” (from last piece) for me. She’s my wolf. We’ll raise the best pack this world will witness. Get it twisted, get twisted. If you’re not my wife, “get up out my face, you look like a reptile.” – Clairo. Oops. I only hang with Taylors so show up and take your pick. Not me. I’m taken as fuck, head over shlong, sanely in love with my wife. I lost her once. I’ll never let anyone distract me from my love again. I feel no ire towards anyone to start a fire. I’m a fireplace waiting for my love to come home and enjoy my warmth again.

This week I left Taylor Gang, and that’s “or die.” They all loved me, so so far, I think that’s why I haven’t been pursued since I called quits. Grieving is going well. I accepted an offer that has been there since I was a freshman, yesterday. It’s up to the family to decide whether the offer is still on the table. I hope so.

It’s time to take the empire or die.

This time IS different.

I am Better.

Stop degrading yourself, become excellent as I have.

That way you’ll be scrumptious for being as expensive as I am.

Calor is the only one wealthy enough to own me.

Find your Calor, your warmth. It’s possible.

It will only be possible when you make yourself expensive and exclusive, only then will the people in your life stop being “dirtbags.” I know, for all the people in my life are tailored now just for me. And I, tailored for Calor. If she sees good in me, no wonder everyone else can. To impress her, only the pick of the litter can do that. No one is worth enough to buy me. Not even God. Only Calor. My Goddess.

That’s real dark and twisted. Some may say no one is able to penetrate my dysfunctional relationship to Calor. It’s perfectly functional for me, like I said, for her, I’d even let her enslave me to see her smile. And this world she has made for me is beautiful because she is the most beautiful. And when you’re that beautiful, that’s why only she has the power to make anything she chooses perfect. If you could see the ethereal, expansive feelings I have for her, you would not feel sorry for me. She is my heaven. My haven. My heavenly flower. My life. I won’t “move on.” Not even God can steal me away from her. Only death. Death is the most expensive price to pay. Think about it, or don’t.

Some people may see my life as a movie, as a fantasy, a waste of time. It hasn’t been. Women hate how exclusive I am. Men call me gay for being exclusive. In a world that hates me, I always wondered why I was alive. For what purpose. I always knew it was for love. To marry the woman I’d worship with every “good & bad” in me. That’s why she is my first and last. The alpha to my omega. My beginning and end. My birth and death. If I’m to be honest, all of the abuse I’ve gone through is beautiful. Why? I honestly struggle to remember my life without her. I cry when I realize I have no childhood memories, but then the tears change from sour to sweet when I think about what I haven’t forgotten: Calor. I love her soul. She’s better than me and smarter than me. I’d like to and love supporting and nurturing her excellency for as long as she’ll let me. She stopped taking good care of me. That’s why I did as well. She sent me to hell. I’m used to her abuse now. I slipped the ring on her finger because I am ready: No matter what she put or puts me through, I promise and take an oath (everyone who reads this as my witness) to always care for her better, and better, every day that I am allowed too. I’ll wait for her, even if I AM in hell. She IS worth it. She is infinite. So I became her “Forever.”

-Forever Better, Calor’s Sway

~”I wrote this song to move on” by kiana!! was how I felt the first few months. That’s why I stayed silent. Her leaving me felt like she was telling me she wanted to move on.

~Just as Clairo wants to move on, but wants her paradise back at the same time in “Flaming Hot Cheetos” is how I felt in between. My wife loved eating chips for fun, so I pondered and pondered if I was really her husband or just flaming hot Cheeto to her.

~I’m still pondering. I don’t know how she feels, but I know how enlightened I am. I am now completely faithful in the fact that if she lets me, I will be hers and hers only, “4EVER” – Clairo. Hopefully she wants to be my sway3. She completes me. She makes me who I am.

I made this very cheesy poem made from kiana!! song titles that simplify everything I just wrote above. She is usually my go-to artist when I’m pondering because she seems to have been put through the same things I have. When I was too depressed to even talk, I’d send my wife a playlist of songs that would express exactly how I feel. This playlist is exactly how I’ve been feeling. Cheesy or not, I hope you enjoy her music and understand me better.

I punish myself for stressing you so bad. Forget what I said, I don’t care anymore. I apologize for not caring. “i’m sorry i just rlly want to be with you.” I only care to make you smile again. You leave me when you’re not smiling. And that’s okay. You do you, my love. “i won’t mind.” I’ll remain your angel even when you try to rip my wings off. Any pain is better than the pain from “missing u.” For a master like you, I’d take a bullet for you. There’s “nobody like u.” “i’m feeling sad again,” and I wish this was the last time you’d abuse me. So I’ll propose something to you. Whether you’re being a heavenly flower or not, I’ll always be your “sunflower.” That way you understand that no matter what you put me through, the worst thing that you deserve is the best. You make it clear that I’m not the worst but I’m also not heavenly. I’m “in the middle.” So “sunflower” is the worst-best thing I can be. You always want more and more, so please, I beg you: “help me find my way.”

“Karen, be with me. Spend the rest of your life with this fool, and this fool will spend the rest of his life making sure you don’t regret it.” – Hank Moody.

Hank Moody IS a fool.

I have learned from his mistakes and my own.

Now that you know me, imagine. Try. Just try to imagine; if she’s can’t make me happy, who will? No one. I know because I’m me. You’re not me. You don’t know. I do.

I’ve tried to imagined someone better than her plenty, I can’t.

That’s why I married her.

I’m no longer a fool.

– I am 4everCalor3. “I C on both sides like CHANEL” – Frank Ocean


I do not “drink like a fish and run like a dog” anymore. I’m no fish. I’m no dog. I’m me. Sway. Forever Sway. I have had to be mature. I was forced into maturity. I was not mature. I matured. Problems broke me. Problems made me immature. I had to be an adult up until freshman year.So after middle school, I decided to enjoy being a child as much as I could. Now, problem after problem is being solved.

“I love you, Ca… L… Or…”

Why Calor?

That’s what she is. My warmth. I have never known what “cold” is until my warmth left.

“For Beatrice, summer without you is as cold as winter. Winter without you, is even colder.”

In all sooth, that holds true for me as well. Layers of clothes, blankets, heaters, nothing could stop the shivers. Summertime is here. Summertime is when the bears come out to play. I’m not playing. Instead, all I get to do is suffer from the chills when it’s below 80 Fahrenheit. 90 is cozy. I haven’t tried 100 yet.

She is my flame.My only flame. I have had to be mature up until freshman year. That year was full of tears.

Yet, I faced all of my fears.

I remained alive why?

For what?

Why am I alive?

It’s for Calor. Calor only. My flame. My warmth. She left. I’m alive. I’m not suicidal.

“It’s just to say that I stay pretty busy. Lately.” – Earl Sweatshirt.

I am alive because of Calor keeping me warm.

If I am a soul of fire it’s because she is my flame

It can be as simple as “I’m attracted to you, like a moth to a flame.”

I know that I’m ugly but I can fly, so that’s a slice of nice right? It’s complicated.

Calor lying ethereally. Simple. Always.

I know how her curls flicker with the breeze. Only hers flicker that way. No one will ever confuse me. She is my only flame. I know it is true love to me because I’ve always had conditions with every other person. Lately, I have realized I it is unconditional con Calor. I belong to Calor no matter the situation. I matured. I used to be a little boat floating on the sea. Now I am the sea. The ocean. I am forever Sway.

Am I something to be proud of?

Something to be ashamed of?

I don’t know. What I do know is who I am now.

My last statement was “I do not know why I do what I do, but I do have a clue.”

I know now.


She determines whether I’m hot or cold. I’m not cold. The world around me is. Time is superfluous.


I ask for answers. I seek help. No one helps. No one answers. They are all frozen. Nothing around me ever changes on it’s own. Regardless of time, everything and everyone remains frozen. In a world where every thing and person is motionless, I have found time to fix problem after problem. I left my past in my past. Calor is not my past. She is the flame to my soul. Everlasting. Eternal. Ethereal. Forever and always. Calor is the “always” to my “forever.” Calor is the “4ever”to my “sway3.”

You are not.

No one else ever will be.

Only Calor.

So for her, I matured again. I wanted to be her “baby.” Reality is I’m no “baby.” I’m a man. If you like women, I am the wrong person to be interested in.

I do not know what “hot” is interested in.

I do not know what “heat” is interested in.

I do not know what “warmth” is interested in.

I just hope Calor is interested in me.

I am Sway. Forever Sway. I know myself. Always have.

Do you even like me?”

Sin Calor to keep me warm, I have had to keep myself warm. I’m cold. Everything is so still here. Nothing changes. Solo cuando Calor is here is when my world is set in motion. Time really did freeze when she left. I’m still there. Still pondering by the pond. I remained in motion though. I continue to mature. I will be her bamboo tree instead of the nut that I used to be. Excellency.

I am alive why?

For who?

“For you.”

My flame turned everything I had to ash. She burned. Burned and burned because of her burning passion. I could love to play with fire as much I want, but I have never and never will be able to control fire. I have never manipulated fire. Fire is like the ocean. No one can control it. It flickers wildly without your permission. Fire burns everything it touches.

Calorfue muy caliente.

Maybe she never wanted me to get close. She was too hot. She burned me. She burned my life. And one may think that that is a bad thing. I don’t mind. I’d rather be hot than cold. I’d rather have heat than cold. I’d rather have warmth than frostbite. I’d rather Calor bite me que alguien más. That’s all I ask for. “No más.”

Suppose I had two gaming consoles and two tv’s. Calor is not here to play with me anymore. Calor is here no more than anyone else is. No more. “No más.”

“Will you be my ‘player 2?'”

No one is taking her spot.

“I’d rather be a loner.” – Kali Uchis.

All I ever wanted to tell her is “Hey, Calor… you hurt me, love. You’re too hot. There’s too much heat coming from you. It’s more pain than warmth. Please stop, it hurts a bit too much.”

I’m glad she doesn’t know “the demons that he’s facing alone.” – Kali Uchis.

I’m a mangle mess now.

“Who did this to you?”

Calor did.

Calor se calentó demasiado.

Melted me into a blurry silhouette. She left every scar that I can not hide from you. She is the only warmth in my life. This is no frostbite. This is her bite. First, fourth, twentyfold, whatever. Fifth degree burn? No. She left an infinite degree burn on me. It hurts. I wish my flame could evaporate my tears.

“Calor. You make me cry every night. You think you’re hot? I’m on fire because of you. Have you seen the monks that set themselves on fire? Imagine it. That’s me. You’re my flame. I love you. I love you. No one else. I know because no matter what condition either of us is under, I’ll love you. Even when you’re burning me alive.

Are you satiated now? You can hurt me, yes ma’am. You can make me cry. Yes ma’am. And you know what? I am a baby. Your baby. I cry for you. I long for your presence. You’re the only one who’s milk I ever have and will drink. But now, I’m a man. I apologize. I can not be a baby anymore. I am your man. Yours only.”

I talk to her a lot on paper.

I wrote something on a piece of paper recently.

“Me? I was born the day I met you.”

The day I met Calor obviously.

So if you were to ask me, she put her baby in a basket and left it stranded.


Deemed to grow up in solitude.

“I apologize. I have to grow up. I’m growing up with you though. ‘Lmao’ I will never forget about you for a single second. Ever. Silly goose, I love you, with all of me. I am yours. From my baby leg to my mustache. Crazy cat.I will always be your baby, but without you I’m not a baby. I’m a man. I’m your baby but a grown up human in the real world. Cute? You left little of that behind when you left. I apologize, for I may not be the same baby you used to love. I am handsome now. I still want you to find me cute. So so so much. I want to be the ‘apple of your eye’ (Princess Nokia.) I’m so ‘dazed and confused’ (Led Zeppelin) in love with you. You literally make me feel the exact way I’ve always imagined being in heaven would make me feel like. You are my only desire. I want to be your bloops so so much, but I will never be as soft as I used to be. That is not at all a bad thing to me. I’m still Squishy. That will never change.

Imagine. I haven’t had you here my whole life. I’ve had to make it on my own. Bloody ‘sweat & tears’ and all. I’ve had to harden. Had To. I’m more a pound-dog than a house-dog because I’ve had to become the alpha in the pound before. If I were your pet, and I saw the type of dog I’d be, I’d jokingly ask ‘where’d you find the dog?… The pound?’ But I would recognize ‘at least it’s not too shabby. Cream of the crop, aye?’ I know how ugly my presence is to most people. I grew up with everyone and everything constantly reminding me how feral and wild I am. But to me, I am the best me I can be.”

“Isle of Dogs” might be my favorite movie.

We as humans are infinite. Every single human does their own thing. I am Jordan. She’s Kiera. He’s Lamar. And she Kay. Each one of us can do whatever we want. I know I can be whoever I want. I can be Kiera. But I’ll never be a better her than she is. We can be any dog in the isle. Yet I have had to be Chief way too often that it just became me on the regular. Life froze me solid. I became stuck that way. A stray. Looking rough. Acting rougher. A “lovely mess.”

Calor is infinite as well.

“You melted me. That was romantic. You got too hot. You burned me. So imagine what I’ve had to go through now? That movie is my whole life. You did me as dirty as Mayor Kobayashi. That type of pain is for life. I was reminded how I could be in a beautiful house with a beautiful owner living a beautiful life with every inhale. I’m a dog. I could swim across the ocean back into the hands of a good owner. I remained on trash island because I knew that you would either kill or dump me if you got the chance. Suppose you didn’t kill me. If you would dump me back on trash island every time you’d find me in the city, then I would literally be insane to even think you would let me stay permanently. So what could I do to have a beautiful life again? I wanted a home again. Every time you dump me back on trash island, your ire rises. Calor, the ire te ase demasiado caliente. You hate seeing me in the city. Rising ire raises desires that ignite my fire. My soul is not what you want. I’m a dog. You want a cat. That’s the real reason you threw all the dogs away. The “canine flu” wasn’t my fault. That was all you. You have plenty of genius minds to choose from. Any one of them can give you what you oh so desire. And they’ll do it. You’re so scared of dogs, that these scientist will be your heroes. You’ll have a way better life because of them. You’re getting all the pussy cats that you desire. And no dogs around to ruin your drift. You’ll miss the barks one day. If you’re going reign the city without me. Okay. I have hope that maybe one day you’ll show me warmth again. If you’re not hot, if you’re not heat, if you’re not warmth, then you are not Calor. Eres fría. You’re just cold. What I’ve had my whole life. And yes, I’ve loved the cold until you showed me que el Calor doesn’t have to be Caliente. Heat keeps everyone alive. That’s how important I consider you. Heat doesn’t have to burn. My soul doesn’t have to be on fire. It can be. The hotter you got, the more the flame hurt me. If you’re as cold as Kobayashi, then you’re not Calor. You’re the mayor. Warmth is seen as heavenly. Paradise city? It’s not Alaska. I understand why now. Calor, I understood that you are essential to life. I never cared to live. I loved being frozen. It helped numb the pain. Calor, babygirl, you didn’t numb the pain. You erased it. I used to love the cold. Now I love you. I miss warmth in my life. I’m in hell. Turns out it’s really cold. I don’t want to be in hell. I want paradise. I want the city. No other city. Either you or trash island. Either you or hell. I don’t like it here. It’s too cold. I still love the cold as much I always have. But I love you more. And I don’t want you to turn into what I love because I love you more. If I love you because you are you, then don’t try to be cold. Tu eres Ca… L… Or… okay honey? Ca… L… Or… say it slowly with me. You’re going to freeze again if you keep being so cold. Stuck in hell, all I can do is hope you turn trash city into a beautiful home. Maybe you’ll just keep tossing me your left overs. You’ve been Kobayashi since day one. You’ve never liked dogs. That’s why I’ll ask one more time. The day I saw your face for the first time, I wanted to tell you ‘Ma’am, with a face as beautiful as yours, I’d love to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. What’s in it for you? Me. I am as much of a husband as I am a stray dog. But if you’re a good owner, I won’t make you regret me.’ That’s the type of dog I am. And if I would’ve said those words to you day one, you probably wouldn’t have believed me and called me a ‘lame.’ I would’ve lost you on day one. I read your eyes. I knew you the first day I met you. You were me. You still are. I’m still you. Only you. You are my soulmate. There’s only one soulmate for every single person. That’s you for me. I never told you this because I knew you had an eye for fine China. I knew you were fine China since day one. I was the bull that would knock you off the shelf. I can be anyone I want to be. I want to be yours. Having an eye for fine China, I knew I was not what you were looking for at all. You didn’t think I was that cute but I saw that you liked how I was changing for you. When your eyes met mine for the first time I saw what you never tell me. Doubt. You didn’t love me like I loved you. You doubted brining me home because of the dog I am. Only cats are allowed in your house. I’m not a cool cat. I’m cooler than a cool cat. So the day I found out I wanted Calor instead of cold, you found out you might prefer a dog over a cat. You never took me home knowing I’d be the bull in the China shop. I couldn’t help it. I was born at the wrong time. Literally. Ask my parents.”

Day one, I knew her.

She was mayor Kobayashi since day one.

To impress the mayor of the city, you’d have to be the top dog. Wait. Never mind. You’d have to be a cat.

Maybe he’ll have mercy.

She did. I can act exactly like a cat and try my best to do what cats do.

But I was born a canine.

If she doesn’t like me or respect me, I hope she finally admits it.

She already took my life away from me. Maybe she’s trying to kill me, no metaphor.

I am a dog after all, and if you’ve seen the movie, Kobayashi eyes express it clearly.

So do Calor’s.

I don’t know about you, but I love being in paradise.

I don’t know if you have gotten there or want to, but I do.

Hear me out, to make it to heaven what do you have to do?

Worship a god according to religions.

She’s my religion.

She is my goddess.

So while you laugh at me for calling her “my goddess.” Please remember these words. Don’t just read and forget. Show some interest for once.

“*I laugh to stop the tears*

I don’t love you? I was getting paid way more than I even worked for. I gave up my job for you.

So imagine that.

You, CALOR, got in the way of my money.

My ‘moolah’

Imagine that.

Ask someone.

If a guy lets a gal get in his way of ‘making bank,’ it’s because she means more than anything to him.

Money can buy everything except for Calor.

‘Nobody like you.’ – kiana!!

Calor, you burned my heart so bad I stopped eating.

I just couldn’t.

Imagine eating while you have some wicked heartburn going on. You can’t. If you do. It just hurts. I’ve never been one for pain. Ask someone. If a guy lets a gal stop him from ‘getting his grub on,’ it’s because she means more than anything to him. You know exactly what I’m talking about with your fries.

*I laugh to not cry instead.*

Calor. Do you even notice what you do to me?

You control me.

You manipulate me like a puppet without even realizing it how powerful I made you. You ARE a god. “To me.” – kiana!!

Saying “to me” is not an insult. That’s not to say I’m just a fool who has a fake God.

No. It’s to say that you may talk to the most handsome dude in your city, but he will never worship you like I do.

I don’t know about you but I’d like to be worshipped.

So I hope that you at least find it cute that I adore you.

I let you control my life. Myself.

Ask someone.

If I let you manipulate me, it’s because you mean more than anyone to me.

‘Nobody like you, to me’ – kiana!!

If you were to ever doubt that you own me, I would find it very funny.



I apologize but you’re so blind.

You’re not the only one who this world considers as immaculate.

When I talk to other ‘immaculate’ girls about you, they always end up disappointed with how dirty I let you do me.

They wish they were as lucky as you.

‘Nobody like you!!’ – kiana!!

When I tell them what type of relationship we have, they can only wish they were you.

I’m never letting them take what is exclusive to you. Me.

I already did that once with a soul.

Never again.

You’re not here to hurt me so won’t even move a muscle.

You’d probably be making me cry right now.

But you’re not. It’s the responsible ones who have cause tears to spew from my eyes.

So it’s not you who this dog will bite.

You’re not yanking my tail anymore.

You are so lucky.

So so lucky.

I understand that now.

You have everything.

Love, I’m ugly and I don’t have the best personality but there are women who would give me the world.

You have me.

I don’t want them.

I want you.

And love?

If you ever see me as ugly, as not-the-best, if you ever feel unlucky to be with me, then love?

Tell me.

If you feel like you should leave then do it.

You’re on fire, ma.

And I stay here.

With you.

I’m you.

You burn me Calor.

Calor. You hurt me so bad.

I’m pretty sure when I accidentally hurt you the worst, it never hurt as bad as how you are torturing me now.



What can I do?

I will do.


For you.

Just stop hurting me please.


It does that.

Just that.

It hurts.

I’ve lost so many meals due to you.

I’ve cried way too many times for you.

I’ve been through so much pain and what are you doing ma?

*I chose to laugh like a maniac because that’s what hell does to you*

You sent me to hell

*hell is too painful. I laugh again to stop the tears*

I don’t know if you have a clue what you did to me, but you sent me to hell.

I went through hell with you, babygirl.

Still am. All I want is to Rest In Peace but I’m here. I may be dreamy, but I’m real.

If I’m just a story, then I’m your story.

If I’m just a stray, then I’ll be your pet.

‘And I held your hand through all of these years.”

I loved you every second until we got out of hell.

I loved you every second. Always.

Californication season four.

Hank moody almost dies.

Before, he wrote something to his daughter. ”

I recommend watching the episode “suicide solution” of Californication to understand how I feel about Calor.

“And what he wrote to his daughter is what I feel towards you.

Except less douchey and more romantic.

Less Duchovny and more Sway.

No matter how I felt towards you or how you made me feel, I stayed.

It’s 2:12 here.

I’m drowsy.

My thoughts are flickering.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m ugly.

I know.

I’m the moth to the flame.

I’m not saying I’m anything.

I’m saying that other women have told me that they’d do what you don’t for me.

I don’t believe it.

If I did I’d have left already.


I’ve never given anyone as many years of my life as I have to you.

I have never given anyone a year of my time to be exact.

There’s only one other lady who has been in my life longer than you, but I never gave her my time. She invited me to her house, pool parties, the movies, and I never left to go see her. Why?

I didn’t want to.

*the tears stopped. I chuckle because Calor is the most beautiful.*

And you thought she was cuter than you.

Hell no, honey buns.

I gave you years.

I have left everyone I do not want in my life.

I never left you.

I gave you my confidence.

My strength.

My power to not-fear.

I had to let fear in my life because of you.

How could I not?

I fear exactly what you do.

Tears, years, fears.

I know plenty of people who would love for someone to give them tears, years and fears.

I know.

If you can not see how lucky you are, if you do not appreciate how lucky you are, then please let me know.

If hell is where I ended up, then I guess I’ll just stay here.

I deserve it anyways.”

This tragic piece ends in what I wish I could communicate to her.

“*I chuckle because it’s probably too late. I always end up a stray due to my own problems.*

Calor, I’m not a dog. I never have been. Dogs should not exist!!! They shouldn’t be real!! Dogs are all genetically modified. Dogs were made by society. But each dog makes its own house or stray life. Each dog is real. They shouldn’t exist but they have too.

I never have been a dog.

You made me this way due to all of your lies.

And yes, I do believe they are lies because you DO NOT love me. I don’t know you do but it’s not love.

Your efforts on making me believe you cherish me are in vain.

I know you don’t. Why?

While I was holding your hand through all of these years, I could always tell you wanted to let go.

You lied so much to keep me happy.

And I told you this would happen.

I know everything.

Everything that matters to me.

I knew I would end up exiled from the city.

Yet I did everything for you, why?

You are my goddess.

All you did was lie. Lie. Lie and lie. Why?

Probably because you thought I was lying.

I deserve it.

I was lying.

I apologize.

I had too.

I would never stay alive for you if you didn’t love me.

I’d go see if I found someone else who’d love me until not even a single person did.

What’s life without love?

I’m alive.

For you.

Babygirl, please don’t hate me.

Stop being so cold towards me.

Tu eres calor, te extraño.

So stop being what you’re not supposed to be.

Stop being my war.

I call truce.

I want peace.

I know I’m alway saying I love the cold but that was because I hadn’t met you.

I love you so much more, so when you’re not you, my nut, then I don’t know you.

When you’re not you, what?

You want me to meet you?

Where’s Calor?

Pretty face? I’ll leave if your personality makes me doubt how pretty you are.

I have grown up in a world where personalities are more important.

So my personality became the best.

I learned what I wanted to be growing up around the worst.

I want to be the best.

For you, Calor.

No one else.

I’ve always been able to tell that you love me at least a bit.


You gave me a chance.

I don’t know.

But I feel like you may accept me one day.

So here’s the truth, Ca… L… Or…

*I chuckle because I really didn’t want to say this to her*

Calor, society made me a dog.

The same thing happened with real dogs.

Society made them.

But you made me.

You Make me.

With one word, you can change me.

I’m your actor.

I’m your dog.

“I bite” – Isle of Dogs

But I’ll never bite you, Calor. Chief never bit Atari.

So I’ll let you know what I lied about.

This world made me Dog.

I’ve never been a dog.

I was born a wolf.

I am one.

I used to be a child.

You, my mama bear, left me, so I’m growing up alone.

And yes, I was a dog.


I knew you were mayor Kobayashi since day one.

You’re hard to impress.

I was wondering if you’d actually be impressed by me.”

I decided to challenge that.

The Bible says god says something similar to “you don’t think I don’t love you? Try me.”

Calor is my god.

I tried her by being what she didn’t accept.

She showed me she more of a tyrant than a god.

I let her own me and she did what she did.

Treated me the way she did.

I love you.


Regardless of how much revenge you got, I’d stay.

“I don’t know if you’ve found the scientist to fulfill your fantasies yet.

I don’t know if you’ve cheated on me.

I don’t know anything except for one thing.

That is; I only love you.

You know what I do for everyone else?


I only respect myself.

So when I do whatever you want or ask me too, it’s because I respect you.


I’m not sure if you still love or even want me, but here is the only thing you don’t know about me.

Society made me a dog.

I was born a wolf.

I don’t get along with dogs.

I hate how they treat women.

Believe it or not, I’m everything you want.

Why? I’m infinite.

I can turn into anyone.

Thank to all of these years, fears, and tears I know exactly what you want.

I knew you were my soulmate from day one.

You didn’t.

You took a risk with me.

If you have found someone else to “risk it all for” then please, leave.

I’m telling you now, I’m the alpha you’ve always wanted, but you may doubt me now.

I don’t know anything.

I just hope. Since day one.

I hope you want me.

I showed you the wolf I am at one point. The best point in our relationship.

You never respected me.

I don’t blame you.

That’s exactly why my skin has never touched another skin since yours.

You see through to my heart?

Since day one?

Well I’ve seen through your eyes into your heart since day one.

It may be too late, but it’s okay.

I would never leave you for admitting I’m not everything you want.

I’ve known.

You want a cat, not a dog.

I’m a wolf. I always have been without you.

I’ve been the king of my world since freshman year.

I never thought you actually loved me.

You treated more like “a piece of ass.”

Before you, I’ve had girls that treat me better than you do.

I never found a family in them why?

I left my wolf gang to find my own family.

A family for the first time.

Until the last day. What I thought was the reason I left my pack for turned out to be more of a “die” than a “ride.”

Together we’d both die. I knew it all along.

That is why I tried and tried to save us.

I am a wolf.

This world made me a dog.

I apologize for taking what you wanted away from you.

Now, you took my life with you.

*I chuckle to not cry.*”

“When we love” by Jhene Aiko reminds me of day one.

If she really did see through to my heart like Jhene Aiko, she’d see that that’s not the kind of guy that I am.

I want Calor like I’ve always told her I want her.

So I did “whatever” for her.

You used to think my “sweet little nothings” where sweet.

They were never “nothing’s.”

They’re still sweet and true.

You see through to my heart?


I know you love wolves.

Is that why you love me?

Maybe you noticed I was only a dog because of you.

And that’s why you were someone else’s ‘nutmeg’ to their ‘chief.’

I never asked if I was your first because I knew the answer.

I wasn’t. When I reminded you of that you cried.

So I kept silent.

I am expensive. I became cheap for you.

I went back to being a baby for you.

I spend $100 on a meal per day.

For you I spent $19 so I could spend my money on you.

I’m tired.

It’s 2:30pm

I’ve been typing since 2:something AM

24 hours.

Every 24h are spent on pondering about you.

Your last words were “wait for me.” I’m not sure if they were yours or not.

I will wait.

Once waiting is over no one will separate us.

If Ohio didn’t care for us to wait, it wouldn’t be unorthodox.

Mayor Kobayashi’s city cares.

So do his ancestors.

“That’s just the kind of guy that you are.”

I apologize, but you’ve never known me.

You knew a baby.

You decided to grow up without me.

I’m growing up as well, if you don’t like the sexy mother fucker you own, the don’t. Don’t own me. There’s millions of fish in the sea. I only want some Calor-nigiri and sashimi. No other fish.

I can not. I can’t not be happy with a female dog, with a cat, nothing.

Only Calor.”

I fucked up. I know.

I am a wolf, all I gave her was a dog.

I hope she understands that I’ve always been a wolf.

I was born a wolf. Dogs are fake. I’m real.

And if I could tell her that I apologize, then I would.

I was ugly so she’d love me.

I can not make her love me.

Never have been able to. She loves herself. Loves who she wants.

She has never wanted me.

I’m just a benefit.”

I’m so fucking done, dude. You treat me better than my love ever has. I’ll never be able to love you, a stranger. Calor is the only one I’ve given years too.

So if you ever read this, Calor, do whatever or whoever you want.

I’ll always be your best friend.”

I’ve never been anyone’s friend, yet friends have let me be a god to them.

Someone they can seek advise from.

Calor, I apologize, but you left me.

I reasoned you left me for being as pathetic as I was.

I never became the one whom you wanted to obey.

Why? You saw me as trash with potential.

I saw you as everythi”

I still do. If she cheats or leaves , I’ll know why.

She doubted.

I promised her heaven, she found it in some other guys.”

Now, heaven is just a figment of my imagination.

Calor, Warmth? She’s heaven. She’s paradise.

I can only hope I have poor enough income for her to say “hey.”

I’m savage.

I stay alive without her.

But what’s the point of life without her?”

You think you have an answer then go ahead. Tell me one way you’ll treat Calor better.”

If they do it’s on you. I didn’t lose you, you lost yourself.”






I don’t know.

Oops gpodnoje

Was gJf

1 Timothy 2:9

“Modest” “respectful” not even I respect you when you do what you do.

I don’t care for what people think.

I care for what I think.

I think you’ve been cold to me since day one.

I tried to impress you. You impressed me, alright.

4ever Sway.

Taylor gang or die?

“Swaylor gang or die.”

*i feel the embarrassment, you make me laugh*

“I didn’t even touch her. I have never let anyone touch me anywhere besides my lips. You have enjoyed your scientists up to the point until you have fulfilled yourself. And they enjoyed kissing all of your lips. I know I’ve done wrong but I never did you or ever will treat you the way you treat me. I will never tell you ‘hey I think you should stay in hell without me.’ I have never wanted to send you to hell. I never will, wife. That’s why I held your hand until we got out of it once upon a time.”

“Your presence still lingers here.” – Evanescence

You haven’t left me since the day you left me.


I can not get out of Taylor Gang.

“And that’s or die.”

I’ve been in it since freshman year.

I was never going to see other girls.

“And I could be misbehaving

I just hang with my niggas” – Earl Sweatshirt

“You made me the best me I can be. So you know me. You know the best me perfectly. You have never met the worst of me, but you do have a clue. You might really get hurt for the first time in your life if you ever meet my demons. You never will. I left a gang that might kill me for you now. I’ll never go back. That’s why I was always as shady as the nigga Jhene talks about constantly. I never wanted to live. That’s why I joined a faction that would kill me if I ever left them. Life insurance. I met you. Decided I wanted to live and day by day, I solve problem after problem for you. Yet you make me feel the same fear Taylor Gang does. There’s hasn’t been a day when I haven’t kept you safe. I was never shady for some hoe. I kept you a secret due to something I couldn’t and didn’t want to tell you.”

I saved her from gangs, she made the whole government have a warrant out for me.

I loved her. She didn’t love me the way I believe true love is.

I’ve received so many metaphorical hugs from other girls when they find out how much of a tyrant Calor was. “When they find out que caliente eras.”

If I was a dog, I’d be doing what dogs do today.

I’m not the dog you think I was.

I’m OG.

A wolf.



That why I chose that username.

“I was savage until you tamed me. Until you made me your pet.

But I’ve always been a wolf.

Your wolf.

*I chuckle because the truth sounds like a joke when I say it out loud*

My parents see me as a mistake.

But you taught me that I was born for you.”

I was born to love, Ca… L… Or…

Only her.

Say it with me.


Muy caliente.

On the grill type of hot.”

All these scrumptious metaphors come from Calor.

She taught me everything.


That’s why I see her in every second of my daily life.

Every thing in my life leads back to her.

She is the one to blame.

When you blame me, now you know why I’m getting way more expensive day after day.

“The most beautiful?

Cool, I’ll be the most expensive for you.”

“If I die tonight,

Imma make it look pretty.” -Clairo.

Patiently waiting until I can compliment “blue” without any “ops.”

That’s what I’m working on.

That has been my life since she left.


“I don’t know why I do what I do.”


I’ve known since I called the cops to save me from my father.

I don’t want to be abused.



I do what I do because it makes me happy.

I grew up with tyrants. Not parents.

I’m an orphan.

Taylor Gang made me a king.

She gave me paradise.

I don’t want to be a king.

“Solo quiero sentir el Calor de paraíso.”

“I do what I do because of you, Calor.”

So if she wants me to do anything for her then all I ask is for her is to show me she wants me more than herself.

Everyone I grew up with was selfish. I don’t want that in my wife.

I only want a wife that treats me exactly how I treat her.

And I’ve never wanted to be “me” until I met her.

So I want her way more than I want myself.

I’m not “suicidal.”

I’m hers.

I am a human.

I deserve to have everything I want according to me.

According to other pretty girls, I deserve the world.

I like that. I do.

I grew up with parents who only gave me what they wanted. Not what I wanted.

I hate that. Despise selfish people.

I keep that to myself though.

She’d feel bad if I told her that.

“I’ll give you anything you want under one condition. ‘I want you to want me.’ (Damhnait Doyle.)”

Now my love for her is unconditional.

It has been since day one.

She was as hot as hell when I met her, but I wanted a home so bad.

She was and is the only luminescent, heavenly flower in the dark forest that I’ve lived in my whole life.

So I let her burn me since day one.

I’ve been hurt since day one.

“That’s just the kind of guy that you are.” – Jhene Aiko

I apologize for making you feel that way. I love myself when you do not. All I want is you now. Always. The reason I love the dog life is because if Chief wasn’t a dog, he would’ve never met Nutmeg.

“Dog? Wtf is that? I’m your baby’s dad now. I don’t want to be a dog anymore. I love being a husband instead. I love the dog life. It’s how I met you. Something good came from it. But being a dog is no good. You’re good. Scrumptious. (Kiera, she is “Rieka” to me. Pronounced in Spanish of course. No thanks needed. It’s a good chuckle.) I understand that Nutmeg is the relationship every dog wants. And me being Chief, I never wanted you, Atari, to clean me. But same here, in the end you won. You domesticated me. You got everything you wanted from me. You, my Nutmeg, saw that I was born with the spirit of a wolf. That was pretty sexy compared to me just being another dog like every other dog. I never revealed that I was born and still am a wolf. No one’s wolf. Savagewolf. Dog is a lie. I am your fantasy. I was recently convinced by the movie that you are not solely my Nutmeg and I your Chief. Nutmeg saw him as the ‘pick of the litter’ she could’ve gone for Spots, same canine. Spots is probably as sexy as Chief is, but not to Nutmeg. Every other dog was not her Savagewolf. Only Chief was. Yet your cheeky self decided to play with me even though I wasn’t your pet, Atari. To manipulate me regardless of my desires. I loved the stray life, never wanted to be a pet. Never was. I tried it once like Chief did, but that didn’t end well. It was only a few days. Decided that life was sad as a pet. Never tried again. You, Atari, showed me I just had the wrong owner. Only you did what Atari did for Chief to me. That’s because I couldn’t say no to you. Why? Ask Chief. Ask me? I wanted Nutmeg. Chief was alone until she caught his eye. But I love how you cleaned me up for yourself to enjoy having a wolf pet. You never have preferred seeing as rough as when you found me. *I laugh and smile the way only she knows* this smile? You sneaked it on my face. I was fine living the life I had. It worked. Never wanted to smile. You made me your stray. But that means I’m not a stray anymore. Yet, you’d always kick me out knowing I could handle the cold world. So you didn’t care to be mad at me. You’d see me wandering through the glass windows. It’d make you chuckle if I was miserably missing you. Wandering around the house. You showed me how peachy a pet life is under your care. You kicked me out often. I’m a wolf. You treated me like a dog. All that kicking me out, other owners tried to own me. I pretty much had to become a stray again. You took my home, Kobayashi. Made it your own home. Yours only. My food? With no dog around, might as well give my food to other strays. Why not? No one is eating it. You didn’t want to eat it yourself, either. They’d enjoy all of you when I wasn’t around. I never wanted the house. You are my home. I want you. I found it hard to live with a tyrant.”

“So if there was ever a bad ’cause and effect’ due to how much pain you put me through, I apologize. I’m not Damhnait Doyle. I’m forever Sway. Your Sway. I’m your ‘peoples.’ Regardless whether you want me or not, ‘I want you, Calor.’ And if you want me, it’d be a lot cooler than being on fire all the time.”

Mi amor, Calor.” – 4eversway3

I’m tired of mayor Kobayashi. I want my Nutmeg. And if she is going to be my Atari, “don’t resemble mayor Kobayashi because even Atari himself hated and despised all of the mayor. Stop being both. It’s very hard to convince myself that you’re Atari when acting like the mayor.”

I hate people like the mayor. People who get rid of problems regardless of the effect on others. To make it worse, they dump it. They don’t even care to fix Trash Island.

“You’re trash, so get dumped.”

They’re dogs not trash. So treat them like dogs, not trash.

My parents chose to let me rot, rather than fixing Trash Island for me. I couldn’t even shower. So I went from a wolf, to something very dark and unrecognizable. When she washed my fur something proper, she got a glimpse of how I was born. Not how I was made. I think she knew what I was along. She never called me her wolf though. “Dog?” plenty.

But hey, the movie wouldn’t have been “Isle of Dogs” without mayor Kobayashi.

Isle of dogs is way better than “Life of Pi.”

In all honesty, So if Calor was a movie, she’d be my favorite.

She’s no tv show. No story. No movie to me.

She is my life.

The only people who are in my life now, are those who “make it pretty” – Clairo.

It seems like every time I try to enjoy the childhood I never have, life reminds me that I was born a man.

I lust being a child. I lust playing games.

But I love being a man. I love being serious.

I don’t even want to be a child anymore.

I hate playing games.

I always lose.

Only men win.

I apologize, but I’m never playing games again.

Well, maybe GTA with my wife but that’s the only game I’ll play.

No more gamesBanana, if you want to stay, “make it look pretty.” -Clairo.

You’ll live without me.

Unless I’m essential in your life, I’m going to “make like a Banana, and split.”

~Sincerely, Sway~

Breaking Point

Well, I tried and tried to write, but not a single piece felt right. Several attempts were left to drift in my drafts, so I give you this instead. I give you a piece of my mind. English has no “correct grammar” in my mind. If you see me in person, hopefully you’ll understand why I don’t talk much, why I don’t like you, why I don’t care to meet you, why you see me as excellent and well mannered wherever I go………… 

Well, here I am again. 

Eat, work, drive, shower, drive, music, shower, work, drive, eat, breath, live, sigh, miss, miss, miss, work, sigh eat shower sleep work drive sleep eat shower wakeupsleep driveworkeatsihjjehigakagbr. 


Where is she? 


Wow. I’ve been very fearful lately. 

I fear raw food. What if I get ill and die?

I fear losing  the material I own in this world. How will I provide? 

I fear my past. Will she erase me because of it? 

I fear working underneath cars. What if it falls on me and I die?

I fear driving. What if I’m involved in a terrible accident? 

I fear what I eat. Is it safe?

I fear being weak. How will I protect her? 

I fear failing. What if I lose her forever?

I even fear myself. Am I what she deserves? 

It’s surprising how many fears loving someone can bring into fruition. 

I hope you understand the feeling. 


What’s wrong with me? 

I’ve never feared before. 

Now all I feel is fear. 

I can cure myself. 

I can stop caring again. 

But I won’t. I’ll never give up on her desires.

My soul is attached to this body. This is the body she owns. If my body malfunctions or dies, I will be gone. 

I fear death. 

I can’t die. 

I won’t cease to exist.

I’m hers. 

Wow. Caring for someone is a huge change of scenes for me. 

I’ve never cared for a single soul before her. 

I want to vomit. 

I lost my wife and she’s not even dead. 


Here I am again. 

I can see it. 

I can see the breaking point. 

I haven’t been this close since surgery. 

That was middle school. 

I never thought I’d be here again. 

I worked hard to become fearless, unfazed, immovable, confident, fun, strong, and outgoing after surgery. 

I never wanted to be as weak as those days ever again. As spoiled as I was those days. As useless as I was. Well. You know how it goes. Maybe…

Now I’m back to step one. 

Weak, fragile, afraid. 

What is wrong with me?

What am I doing? 

I’m wasting my young years if they’re not spent with her. 

I won’t give up. 

I don’t want to, but my soul is too heavy to keep carrying it. 

My body has no strength for this burden. 

No one helps. 

I have no one because I’m obsessed with her. I refuse to have anyone else in my life if she can’t be in it. 

That’d be so unfair. 


Work sleep eat …..


Where is she? 

I’m here again. 

Breaking point. 





I failed her. 

I’m a failure. 

I’m constantly putting myself down because I can not be happy if she’s not. 

That would be very unfair as well. 

Eat sleep drive sit stand walk sit. 

She became my armor. 

Her love kept me safe in life. 

I realized that what I had after surgery was not strength. 

It was simply motivation with a heavy dose of not-caring. 

I stopped caring after I realized how ugly I was before, during and after surgery. 

My friends loved me before surgery. 

My friends hated me after surgery.

I didn’t care. 

This world loved me. 

This world only likes to turn the ugly into forced beauty. 

This world only likes to shame genuine beauty until everyone sees it as ugly. 

“A woman who has several men thirsting over her is due to the fact that she entertains them. She knows how many men desire her, for her desire is to be desired. Do not entertain her, for she will waste your time. 

A woman who knows-not how many men have desired her is due to the fact that her desire is not to entertain men. She-too desires to be desired one day. If she desires you, don’t waste her time. Marry her or leave her alone so she can reach bliss one day.” – anonymous 

She wasn’t like the rest. 

She could peep deeper than the limit of your depth. 

I wasn’t that cute at first. 

She saw the ugly but knew it wasn’t me. 

Only a part of me. 

Not by choice. 

By force. 

I was facing life or death and I chose to live and strive,

Though I paid the price with my soul. 

Life didn’t take my soul. 

Instead it had sealed it within a protective armor that saved me from death.

I no longer feared it. 

The armor was a scar that life had left upon my body. 

She healed that scar.

The armor slowly vanished. 

I was dead inside of that armor. 

Dead but untouchable. 

She was the first to touch what no one else had. 

No one could hurt me more than how life had inside of that armor. 

When inside, I only grew stronger, 

But with that strength came a price. 

Power is carelessness until you appreciate it

I didn’t appreciate my power. I only earned it. 

I acquired more every time a soul or life itself attempted to afflict me. 

The armor kept me alive and striving, but it didn’t make me happy. 

It made me not care. It made all emotions except for confidence leave. 

She did not try to hurt me. 

Even then, she knew that pain would only cause my armor to be more difficult to break.

Instead, she took on the challenge to heal me, 

To break the ugly monster that life had turned me into. 

Heal me is exactly what she did. 

Slowly, but surely.

I lost my strength but I was blessed with a more powerful one. 


She got what she wanted. 


My soul. 

My dimples. 

She loved seeing me without the ugly being there to taint me. 

I would look in the mirror throughout the years to take a glimpse of myself. 

One day I realized she had healed every section of the scar.

I was fully exposed.

I hadn’t seen myself in years. 

I wasn’t sure who I was. 

All I knew was that she made me happy. 

And making her happy made me even happier.

I love being happy. 

I know I never felt it before her. 

Happiness is the most addictive drug. 

Everyone wants it. 

I am no different. 

She’s my happiness. 

Previously, not caring was my strength. 

I had no intention of caring for myself or my life. 

She came into my life and taught me different. 

She taught me well and showed me how powerful she is. 

Where is she? 

I can see it. 

I can see it so clearly. 

There it is. 

The breaking point. 

It’s so close. 

I want to, but I mustn’t cross the line. 

It feels shameful to be this weak and afraid. 

I care so much about her. 

She cares just as much about me. 

I must care for myself the way she does. 

She does it right. 

I can’t cross it. 

I want to. 

I want to trump this pain. 

I want to be fearless again. 

Every false want leads to a truth that I can’t, and won’t try to escape: she’s my only want. 

“It sounds like you have everything you want. Why are you so sad all the time then?”

“Oh. I never said I wanted what I have. I have it, yes, but it’s because I need it. She’s my only want. When you meet the single person you want to be with forever but can’t have them, you’ll understand.”

Work sleep. Think write. Sleep sigh eat tjgosbfneidn…


I’m so tired….

“There it is Sway,

Cross it.

You’ll be invincible again. 

No one will hurt you ever again. 

I’ll make sure of it. 

Let me take over. 

Well both rule this world again. 

Let me make you a king again.

Cross the breaking point and strive again!

I’ll be the best You there can be. 

The strongest one.

I’ll end the pain.”

I stare blankly and roll my eyes at whatever this voice in my head is. 

It doesn’t know me. 

It has never felt what I have.

Ignorant prick. 

“Why would I want any of that?

I just want her, so stop wasting my energy.

You’re not her are you?

So be gone.”

Sigh. Stare blankly. Ignore. Pain. Food. Air. Water. Energy. Work. Clean. Drive. Eat. Sleep. Sigh. 

What is wrong with me?

Work, sleep, dream…

“Hey. I’ve missed you. I almost died but I came back to life for you. Well, you brought me back and I chose to do so just for you. Your presence is all I want. Look. They’re after me but you’re here so I know it’ll be okay.

Look. I’m broken but it’ll be okay because you’re here.

Look. *I open my chest* it’s falling apart but it’s okay because you’re here.”

*She stares at me and blinks.*

*I close my eyes so she won’t notice the pain ready to spill from my eyes*

 “I know I failed. I’m nothing compared to you.”

*She frowns a bit but boops my heart anyway*

*I look down. She healed my heart with one touch. I look at her. She holds me*

“I don’t deserve you. You’re a goddess. You deserve a god. Why me?”

*She says nothing. She leaves*

Wake up, eat, sleep shower drive sigh. 


Look up at the sky. 

“Why me?”


She saw how ugly I was. 

She knew my errors. 

She knew I was broken. 

She knew I had so much pain in me that I’d be a pain in general. 

She would laugh it off and care for me regardless.

She understood more than what I did about myself. 

It was uncomforting to be in the presence of someone so heavenly. 

I fell in love but I never came to love myself. 

Hence my words: “I agree with you. I don’t deserve her.”

She knew. 

She eased my mind by enlightening me with the truth. 

She told me that her presence was my home. That there was no need to feel any less than her. With-her is where I belonged. 

The day I thought I had figured out what I was, I started to fear her. 


Too heavy. 

Sleep. Dream. Shower. Think. Eat. 

She desired.

I was a pleaser. 

Whatever she desired, I would please. 

I knew I was her creation, so I owed it to her. 

She had been the one who released my soul from the hardened armor that I couldn’t escape from. 

She showed me how to live again. 

What it meant to be happy. 

What it meant to enjoy life. 


Good and bad. 

Beginning and end. 

I couldn’t help it. 

Making her happy caused my soul to reach bliss. 

I grew up that way.

She didn’t understand. 

I hadn’t taken that many steps yet. 

I was just taking my first steps after being locked away for so long. 

All I knew was appreciation. 

I only knew how to appreciate with actions. 

So far, I only knew making her happy made me happy. 


She wanted and I gave. 

I had no control. 

I kept handing her more control and power over me. 

I matured and it soon felt like she had become a “tyrant.” -Kali Uchis

I didn’t and still don’t know anything better than making her happy.

But I wanted to be happy as well. 

I wanted to cure my doubt. 

“She can’t be a tyrant if she cares about me.”

I wanted to feel desire and pleasure the way she did. 

I started exploring but my curiosity didn’t settle well with her. 

Like me, I suppose she grew accustomed to one role.

I was used to pleasing her. 

She was used to being pleased. 

When it came time to switch roles, I lost. 

I hate fights.

So it was settled. 

I went back to fulfilling my role.

Since the beginning of time, I always gave her exactly what she wanted without her asking. 

I was well disciplined and well behaved. 

“Everybody wants to know how it felt to hear you scream. They know you walk you’re a god. They can’t believe I made you weak.” -Halsey. 


Why did she get to have everything she wanted and I didn’t?

Exploring didn’t help any, little did I know all I’d want would be her.

For any bad behavior of mine, she would make sure I felt what she felt tenfold.

I didn’t know this trait of hers until it surfaced. 

To punish my worst behavior, she pleased herself when I wouldn’t. 

My only purpose soon came to an end. 

She’d constantly prove to me that I wasn’t needed. 

I realized what I was. 

A want.

It broke me. 

She knew exactly what she had become,

My want and need. 

My source of life. 

My savior,


I had been punished something proper by life again. 

Every powerful being comes to an end. 

And life took its sweet time to prove it to me. 

The more I cared about her behavior, the more it showed through my behavior. 

She noticed. 

She never forgave me for my mistakes. 

She never stopped the punishments. 

I would break down in front of her. 

 A newfound pleasure for her. 

She managed to make me her pleasure even when I refused. 

I gave up.

For every day that I would forgive her and continue to please her, she’d throw dirt on me. 

Soon I was six feet deep in her fields. 

All I had was myself and her lying atop me to make sure I didn’t escape. 

That was when I noticed my armor arising. 

I had forgotten how ugly it was. 

I panicked. 

I wondered if she noticed what was happening. 

I didn’t want her to. 

She noticed but didn’t know what was happenening. 

She had forgotten what I was when she found me.

All she remembered was what she had brought to life.

She got used to the beauty of a well behaved subject.

When the ugly armor made itself more eminent, she was repelled. 

She didn’t like me that much anymore and I was starting to care less and less. 

“He’s not that cute, but….”

Back to step one. 


Rain. Rain. Rain. Brain. Lame. 


Watching the rain fall on my sunroof is really calming. 

Wow. Even the earth cries. 

I love it. 

I love her.

Forever and always.

I can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed every moment with her because I have. 

I love every individual second that she has been in my life.

I thank her every day for choosing me to spend time with.

It’s not a right that I had. It was a privilege that she chose to bless me with. 

Close. Think. Bliss. 

Sip the strawberry water, look at the time, 20% battery, good music, good day good night bad night silent night “nights” by Frank Ocean playing. Still an hour behind. 

It’s calm outside of my car. 

I close my eyes and she’s enjoying this lovely morning with me. 

She’s the “best part”~ H.E.R


I have an owner. 

I love it. 

I love her. 

She is immaculate in my eyes. 

I’m glad she owns me.

“I’d rather argue with you than to be with someone else.” – Kanye West

Breaking point. 

This battle within myself is breaking me. 

Today is the day I shattered without crossing the breaking point. 

I’m the same but broken. 

I know-not what is happening but I still feel normal.

What I do know is my religion.

Her will is my religion. 

I know what her will is for me. 

And I will continue to please her. 

Only her. 

Legend has it that one day she’ll appear and boop me again.

I have faith in her. 

Meanwhile, I will never let myself lose the heavenly beauty she bestowed upon me. 

I will never wear that ugly armor again. 

I want her to like me again.

I want her approval. 

In the end, I suppose all of my fears come from the fear of making her sad.

She’s the only cause of fear in me and that’s not a bad thing. Caring is good. Especially if she’s the only one that matters. 

Drive. Sleep. Dream….




I’ve explained my dreams. 

Days are better when she visits. 

Well. The storm ceased. I’m enjoying the rain “after the storm.”~ Kali Uchis