“True love is to give life.” -Sway

“I know no one will ever love me the way you do. No one will ever give me life the way you do. Sure, some nurse or doctor may keep me alive after totaling my car, but that’s extending my life. It’s far from giving me life. Only you know what that means, I hope. I don’t think you do. I might’ve tainted that.

Anyways, I have realized that the most loving thing you can do for someone is give them life. Think about it.

You literally molded me. If I flourish into anything good, I blame you. I’ve always chosen the worst of me. Call it self defense. Maybe I wanted to be the worst so no one could shame me for being me: the worst. It used to be what I chose. Am I the best to/for you now? I try my best. It’s your life. Only you can decide. You would say I was the best. I’ve always told you ‘I’m the worst.’ You decide.

Do I ever give you life? Did I ever give you life? Will I ever give you life? I can only hope so. Or do I only kill you softly? You’ve proven that only you can keep yourself alive and thriving plenty of times in the past. I admire you for that. I’ve always been superfluous to your survival. So what am I here for?.. I ponder yonder and yonder, but it’s always a squander… the answer never left your sealed lips, so I remain in oblivion.

The only fact I’m sure of, is that you’re my life-source. Only you. And I, my greatest adversary.

I haven’t heard from you since you left. So at times now, I often like to torture myself by listening to Jorja Smith in this order: ‘something in the way,’ ‘teenage fantasy,’ ‘where did I go,’ her acoustic version of ‘on my mind,’ and lastly ‘let me down’ to shatter my soul into a million pieces all over again.

Afterwards, I let Phantogram’s songs heal me ‘when I’m small’ and helpless at night ‘howling at the moon.’ I ‘fall in love’ again with ‘my only friend’ even after imagining her sour feelings towards me.

Hopefully it’s just Jorja Smith who feels that sour. It was fathomable to upset you when miles separated us. I knew you’d always heal what I hurt. I knew you’d keep enjoying French fries regardless of how much I proved to dislike them. In person, it was impossible. I’m not evil. I couldn’t help showing how weak I am for you. No matter what you did, my love remained unconditional and everlasting. That’s why I returned with fries every time you desired them, I knew they were essential to your survival whether I liked them or not. So I enjoyed them with you instead. Even when they were cold and soggy, they were delichus with you c: It was only easy to stay unfazed about things when you were on the other side of the screen. I never desired to break you. Only make you. Make you better at that. Now, it’s taboo and forsaken for me to do anything that upset you. Now, I enjoy every fry to the very last one. I realize how ugly and stupid I was to have ever disliked them.

I still remember when you ate my heart with your strawberry lips, ‘you’re the only thing I have left, Sway.’ My soul shattered. Me? The worst? Who was she talking about? I knew then and there that something was wrong. I used to be worthless. Now I’m expensive, so who was she talking to back then? I was never imperative to her, so if I was all she had left, she must’ve been shattered as well. No one else to blame aside from me. I couldn’t handle being what I never was; essential.

I hope I am still real to you, not just ‘pure imagination’ – Fiona Apple

To have any other woman’s approval is meaningless, ‘they cum, they go’ – Tommy Genesis.

But to have your approval has to be a blessing, maybe we were meant to be, or maybe I’m just ‘lucky.’ -Tommy Genesis.

Only the best deserve the approval of The One with ‘hair like water, wavy like the sea.’ -Tommy Genesis.

It’s finally my turn to say ‘I try.'” – Sway

I don’t know a single man who has ever cried over a woman. Especially not over me. Not even my fiancé.

I’ve heard Sway listen to “Tommy” by Tommy Genesis and it makes me think of his wife. Like damn, Tommy. Teach me your ways.

Calor212 or 212Calor is coming sooner than later. I’ve seen those usernames used here and there. So if it’s not taken, I will make this website the first 212calor212. I haven’t seen that one anywhere. Seems nice.

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“Without You”

“My mind shattered into a very unstable structure. Nothing would settle upon what was left. If what settled upon it was too heavy, I’d be no more but crystal dust spewed on the floor.

No return.

I supposed there must’ve been a prayer done for me to hold steady. I did. I Was going to die without my life. It’s what I had always known. Except my life was not dead or gone, just away for the moment. The pain was too much at the time to notice what was what.

No return.

I could not bear to witness any part of that ill-ridden house any longer. It resembled how ugly I was. Very. Am I not my life’s empire? Did I not matter more than material?..

I’d like to know that I Am her empire. As long as I have worth, there’s endless possibilities for me. Good ones at that. The prayer was answered, I left everything behind and kept my life. I stayed with some twins for a couple of days. It was the only place I could go at such short notice. They asked no questions. I stayed in their room while they stayed in a different room. They treated me like family, letting me enjoy their house, Xbox One, TV services and food. The simple stuff. It helped me feel normal when everything was convoluted. Family? I may be to them, but they’re not to me. I don’t see them that way. I told my life I was never interested in that path. I don’t think she listened enough to remember.

Either way, I didn’t shower before I left. They’re really tidy and substance-free. Decent people. Their house always smells of air freshener. I arrived smelling of the events from previous days. Trust me, they knew I was not for them to enjoy. I may entertain people online, but in person, my moral compass never allows my sin to solidify and become real. If there’s one thing I haven’t failed, it’s to never do anything with anyone in person. Too risky. Too compromising. Too not-loving. Virtual reality was my limit. I never hated to the point of making it reality. Plus, I’m married and I make sure everyone knows that since there’s no ring to prove it to simple-minded people. I planned on branding a ring, but I have now decided to get a tattoo of one (my first tattoo just for her. Tattoos are taboo and highly forsaken to me) so she can slip a ring on my finger one day as well. So I chilled there while I figured out what to do with myself, enjoying simplicity.

It felt wrong to be there when I awoke the second day. Very wrong. She wouldn’t have approved of me even going over to say hi on a regular day. I called a brother, told him to take me to Cali. To the city of angels. He said he would, but it’d be pointless to start my life on the opposite side of the map. He’d rather have me stay with him for a couple of months until I decided what to do. It was a state too close to home. Even closer to my life. I wanted several states separating me from the reminder. So I told him to just pick me up as soon as possible and we’d figure something out.

He didn’t take me to his house instantly. He hadn’t been near Louisville for a long time. The place he was born and raised until he moved out. He decided it’d be nice to spend the night enjoying Louisville like he did back in the day to cheer me up, so we did. I awoke at his house the next day. Again, bliss. Simple things to enjoy. His family, his entertainment, his tidy house, his bomb cooking skills. It felt right. I felt like I had finally found what I was looking for. A real father and mother. Something I’ve never had or understood. That has brought a tidal wave of changes in my priorities. The knowledge had always been there. The understanding as well, even more wisdom, but priorities never. It hasn’t been good without my life, just calm and dull. Simple. A maturing experience. The empire is being built. The empire custom made for my life. This is as much as Calor will allow me to write. Boop.”

Not my words, I simply approved to share the writing as a final memorial. Soon, this website will no longer be 4eversway3. I’m changing it to Calor212 or 212Calor if one of them is already taken because I don’t want the previous owner to see any of what I’m going to post under his name. It’ll be under my own name. New owner, new website. Enjoy soon! Please share if you enjoy the first post when it’s refurbished.

“No Fun” by Steve Lacey, “Fantasy” & “Make You Feel” by Alina Baraz, “Jazmyn” by Prince Okezie, “Te Metiste” by Ariel Camacho, “Dream Lover” by Bobby Darin, “Sabor A Mi” by El Chicano, and “Fly Me To The Moon” & “Cry Me A River” by Julie London (because he admires his writing but hates Frank Sinatra) are the songs he has on repeat this week.

He was pretty ugly when he first arrived, but he’s growing up to be a fine young man. He used to repel my sisters by ignoring them when we had get-togethers. It worked when he first arrived. He still ignores them, but now they wish he was their “Sway.” (by Julie London is the song I dedicate in his memory.)